Christmas Memories

I've become very nostalgic as of late. Decorating and preparing for Christmas gets me thinking about the Christmases I had as a child and the small details that I will forever connect with the holiday:

--the hiss and pop of the Christmas album playing on my grandparent's turntable (Brenda Lee, Gene Autry, and the gang have never sounded as good since)

--trying to make it so the colored bulbs on my Grandma's ceramic tree were truly varied (there is no way to ensure two of the same color will not be side by side)

--the smell of my mother's, decorative and not to be lit, Christmas candles (I equally liked the smell before and after my sister and I lit them to have our very own Christmas morning about a week before the actual date)

--ribbon candy. I have always hated the taste but miss it sticking to the inside of stockings

--My name in huge glitter letters on a bright red stocking

--everyone sitting around the table talking or playing board games, two gallons of eggnog toddies later (Grandma always at the head of the table and me snuggled next)

--smell of Cherry Halls cough drops: for about 4 years in a row I was blessed with a horrendous cough and sore throat for Christmas Eve

--my dad pointing out the ACTUAL sound of hooves on the roof on Christmas Eve (doesn't everyone have left over deer legs in their yard for such reasons?)

--the school sing along: Kindergarten through 5th grade crammed into the gym singing to the words on the overhead....very out of key, soooo not politically correct

--getting "dressed to the nines" for Christmas Eve at my Grandma and Grandpa Sheppard's. HUGE party, everyone dressed up, and the table set nice enough for Martha Stewart to be envious

May you all reminisce on the little things that make this season so great.....and it is NEVER the presents that are remembered.

Merry Christmas!

Judging (and mentally punishing) oneself

I always read through MSNBC while I eat my lunch and today I came across a link, link, link about "No Judgement Day". Basically it is a day set aside by Redbook magazine encouraging mothers to quit judging other mothers. One part of the article really stuck with me; it was about judging ourselves based upon how "others" think we should parent. Great day for me to read this!

Tel had an assembly today: received an award for the Reflections contest (theme: Diversity) and probably a reading award but I had to miss it because I had to get back to work. It is times like this that I wonder why I went full time....of course the insurance is better, I had to finish my Masters degree and being full time would help with loan forgiveness, and I had always said "it was the plan" but what about my baby? I'm not having anymore kids and Tel isn't getting younger; the events I miss now can never be replaced.

To make matters worse, my camera was jacked and the only pictures I got of him getting the only award I could watch were either back of the head shots or blurred beyond belief.

So, in order to remember this day: GREAT JOB TEL!! I am so proud of your writing and reading abilities. May you always remember that you do not need an award to remind you of your worth. You are an amazing, inquisitive boy and I am proud to call you my son. Keep up the good work!! I hope to never miss another ceremony but you know that isn't a guarantee. I hope that I am instilling a good work ethic in you when I do have to miss.

Tackle Football!

My hubbie & his bitches!

(he has referred to us as such for almost 20 years now)

A couple of weeks ago the moms from Youth Football USA played against the moms from the city league team. Full contact, tackle football! It was so much fun; I played outside linebacker and right tackle. The "line" I was on only played 4 downs of defense and the rest of the game as offense. As a linebacker I missed one tackle because I was too high and was in on my next tackle. THEY ANNOUNCED MY NAME ON THE LOUD SPEAKER! It was so cool. I am now not only addicted to watching football but I love to play as well.

The Spectrum had a write up and everything!

It was for a good cause: October is breast cancer awareness, hence the pink. We donated all of the proceeds to the new cancer wing at Valley View Medical Center. I can't wait until next year!

PS we lost; but we'll woop 'em next time!!

Mini Breakdown

Just a little one, nothing to drastic, just the sit and stare at a wall and, with all of my might, hold back tears.

I have enjoyed having my kids home for the past few days; we are on "fall break". I have forgotten what it was like to hear them around doing their thing and not having to rush, rush here or there and everywhere.

I have also been so happy/proud/feeling lucky to have such a great hubby who will put any and all of his plans on hold to redecorate Dax's bedroom at my whim. I mean repaint and re-floor, re-baseboard, re-shelf, and re-arrange. He almost had it completed but now has to go back to work and will finish on his next days off. It has a more grown up feel and I feel like he will be able to mature in this room; better than the camouflage walls :)

Back to my breakdown: I don't know what I was thinking. I can't do this Masters' thesis. I stare at walls, I stare at journal articles, I stare at computer screens, I just stare. I am so scared, I feel so inadequate and the more I work on the thesis the more I realize I am not as educated as I once believed myself to be. I am thousands of dollars in debt and thousands of hours have been spent toward this degree and I fear that I may not be able to finish. My proposal class meets once a month and shares what everyone is doing...one student began her sharing session with the fact that she has hired a grammar coach who is helping her write her thesis. Ummmm WTF???? Where do you find someone like that? I will find the money....I know the information I want in the paper but I have no f-ing idea on how to put it there. I can read and summarize, read and test, read and whatever the hell else but read and write a friggin 20+ page thesis. I don't know where to begin, I don't know how to begin so I will continue to stare at the wall and hold back my flood of tears.

My sons and I go back to school tomorrow; it really has been nice to not have to be anywhere at a certain time. I miss the do nothing days.

Teaching is so easy; anyone can do it.

Yep, I was told that this morning. It took everything I had not to burst into tears and then it took the rest to keep my cool....relatively. I didn't flip completely out and I did keep my voice down so I would say I remained calm.

I missed my sons' football practice, again, because I had a class that will help my teaching ability. I am at wits end with full time work, a hubby with a crappy schedule (we only see each other at the kids' games anymore), kid stuff 5 days a week (piano, practice, and games), preparation for my full time work (oh wait, its easy why do I need to prepare), aaaannnndddd the tail end of my Masters degree. I'm in the thesis writing class and it is way over my head.

I'm in the program to become a better teacher. Yes, I will get a pay raise but it is NO WHERE near enough to justify the work and sacrifice a person goes through. So, if its so damn easy why is it so damn HARD for me????

When I feel like crying I think about the grateful kids I instruct and that keeps me going but now I find that they aren't so grateful. What can I use to stay strong now?

Luckily it is Friday so I only have to hold back tears for a couple of hours and then I can open the flood gates for two days all the while trying to focus through the streams on the paper that is due next week.

Happy Friday! or something like that :(

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

New School Year, that is.

This year I am dealing with 2 extra significant school years and a major change in my schedule.

Dax is now a Middle Schooler! Ugh...when did this happen? It was just yesterday he was in 3-year-old preschool and told me he wanted to bring sandwiches for his birthday treat (that's the kind of kid he is). 6th grade and so excited for it; he doesn't have ONE butterfly! He can't wait for PE, Student Council elections (because this year he decided he wants to grow and become a Congressman....to be the "honest" one), and what he says is an extremely large selection of chicks! What? What happened to cooties? And why is every text he receives from a girl? I am lucky that he is polite, intelligent, responsible, and respectful...it makes me worry less about the influence that middle school tends to bring.

Tel is now going to school all day: 1st grade. He is so excited for lunch at school and 3 recesses. All but one of his closest friends are in other classes which he is sad about but I remind him that they will all have lunch together. He still thinks girls have cooties, sort of. He will tell Dax his true feelings and puts on a show for me and Hubby (fine with me...I lie to myself about their ages anyway).

I now work full time. I have NEVER had a full time job in my life. Hubby actually asked me if I was going to be able to handle it. Ha, ha, ha, ha! When I was offered the position I said I would need some time to discuss it with Hubby. The first thing Hubby said was "wasn't that the plan? Once the boys were in school all day you would be too?" At the time of plan making it sounded good, now SCARY!!

With these big milestones come great experiences; even the bad ones will make us chuckle 20 years from now (I hope).

Change

I fear change. I stress about it when it happens. I become an insomniac, then a zombie due to lack of sleep. I procrastinate. I clean, re-clean, and clean again. I bitch about the changes (even if I really don't care about them). I get snooty to those who try to change things. I get snotty to those who change things even when they are just following directions. There is a direct correlation between my eyes and my fears: the more I roll my eyes, the more I am afraid of the changes. These are all my very unhealthy defense mechanisms for one of my biggest fears: CHANGE. Any change, all change.......... I like a nice vanilla life where everything is planned in advance and nothing unexpected comes about. I know why I fear it and I know I don't need to. It is irrational. It is one of the things that causes my OCD to go into hyper-drive. At 33 I know change is inevitable, however it doesn't haunt my less.

Football Begins

After getting our equipment on Monday, the boys officially started the season yesterday. Both boys are playing football this year: Dax, because he LOVES it (funny, reading posts from his first year of playing I remembered how much he was feeling out of place) and Tel because he has been asking to play since he could talk (2 years old or so).

After Hubby coaching Dax for 4 years, we decided that he needed to experience being coached by someone other than Dad before he goes to High School. I was all for this until the practice actually started. I FEAR CHANGE AND IT GIVES ME MUCH ANXIETY! Of course a new coach will do things different from what Hubby did but I thought that is what I wanted, now I'm not so sure. I guess all that matters is that Dax is having fun, and he is. I need to GET OVER IT.

Tel is going into the first grade but playing on the 3rd grade team (youngest team in the league). This week is just for conditioning, no pads or hitting. The coaches like to see how athletically inclined each player is during this week. Being one of the two first graders on the team, I didn't think Tel would be able to "do" much but learn a lot. I should have known better. This kid is a go getter. He says he will take over the world (well, he talks a lot about himself) and I am finding that he is willing to push himself to actually do it! Out of 25 first-third graders my little Telly was one of the fastest 9 kids (he was telling Dax and I all about it at dinner but we had our suspicions as to what really happened, when hubby got home from work he corroborated the story)!! Some of these kids are a good foot taller than him! He may talk big but I'm finding he is willing to live up to his VERY HIGH expectations of himself!

I am so excited for this season: Dax getting even better at the sport he loves and Tel learning the fundamentals of ONE of his fave sports. Good luck boys!!

Neglect?

I'm curious, is it child abuse or merely neglect that my youngest son has gone so long without bathing/showering that he has a huge ZIT and sweat rash on his cute little bum? I really don't know how I let this happen; well maybe I have an inkling. Me threatening, Tel giving me excuse, and then going about our busy day; next thing I know I have forgotten to enforce yet again.

"Tel you HAVE to shower today"

Day 1: "Why, I've been playing on the slip-n-slide all day. I'm clean, that's water"
Day 2: "I'm.....tooooo......tired.....I....will...in...the....mor......" (as he fell asleep)
Day 3: "I can't, me and the girls planned to do 'x' "
Day 4: he slept over at the girls' house
Day 5: SHOWER-----ZIT FOUND, SWEAT RASH, STINKY PIGS, DIRTY BOY

I had no idea boys are sooooo gross! My oldest boy was so good at bathing, he enjoyed it. I just don't know about this one.

Am I missing it?

Nothing funny, again. Me whining, again.

This is day 2 of me sitting and being sad. When I turned on the TV yesterday morning for my daily dose of the news, the channel was on Nick. and Sponge Bob was on. It was an episode that came out when Dax was 4 or 5; pre-Tel years. I suddenly became so depressed. I remember sitting, doing nothing, just Dax and me....for hours. We would watch TV, movies, do puzzles, read, whatever. It has been years since he has wanted to just BE with me; he doesn't even have friends over...he goes "there". The pre-teen years do NOT ease you into the teenage years, it throws you into the teenage years. I feel like I've missed it. I have great memories: some written, some pictures, some in my head. I want it back. Would I have done anything different? No, I just didn't/don't want it to end.

Once Tel ate on his own, he never wanted to hang with me; he follows Dax around like a puppy. He idolizes his brother and I wouldn't want it any other way. Buuuuttttt.....if Dax hung out, then Tel would want to, too.

So many sleepless nights of babies who cannot be comforted; children who need someone tall to do everything make parents long for the time when the said child is more independent. I changed my mind, I don't long for it anymore. I miss it. I don't want another baby; I want MY babies.

What do you do to rid yourself of the post-post-post postpartum depression? Or am I alone in this?

It's all your fault

Scribblenaut: a Nintendo DS game in which the child types in words to produce different items to use in said game (if you need any more explanation than that please speak with your 6 year old for I am without better understanding)

Tel: "Dad, spell shovel"

Hubby: "S-H-O-V-E-L"

----Tel types word into Scribblenaut game----

Tel: "Dad! YOU SPELLED IT WRONG!! You forgot the E before the L"


Hmmmmm....... how does one teach accountability.......

Senior Citizen

Is it normal to feel extremely old and out of place at 33?

I had to go "on campus" yesterday to take in the final forms for my financial aid (aka L-O-A-N, that my income doesn't cover on its own......that proves my hubby is the best). I entered the building and immediately felt self conscious. I haven't felt this way IN YEARSSSSSSS; come on, I'm 33 I know who I am and am comfortable with it. But being around 17-22 year old will put insecure thoughts into ones mind quickly.

Its so stupid--I know this.

Thank God all my classes will either be online or after 5 when those young-uns will be gone creepin' on their newest boyfriend.

PS: this isn't a fishing expedition, I was just wondering if it is the "norm"?

$#it Boys Talk About

Preface: my sons shower together. My youngest (Tel, 6) refuses to bathe anymore because my oldest (Dax, 11) only showers. But because a 6 year old boy isn't to be trusted to get clean during a solitary shower Dax is made the enforcer.

A conversation that Hubby and I overhead the boys having last night in the shower:

Tel: "You know there really is a bone in your wiener"

Dax: "Duh"

Tel: "You know what would suck? If you were walking down the road and tripped, fell on your wiener and broke it; then had to have a cast on it"

Dax: "Duuuuude, that would suck"

Graduate School

Apparently when the Masters' admissions say that you need to write a 600 word persuasive essay as part of the application process they mean 6-0-0 WORDS......no more, no less.

I haven't written a formal paper in years and was pretty proud of my 739 word persuasive essay and my pride was shattered when I received the rubric today. Half of the points that were docked from my total score was due to the length.

I was happy to see that I only had 16 errors in 739 words (I did say I was rusty, right). Because I am constantly focused on the unattainable perfection I am upset about my low score even if I did make it into the Masters of Education program.

How do I shake the feeling of failure and bask in the light of accomplishment????? I have 1 1/2 years and a 20 chapter (approximately) thesis paper to help me realize perfection is probably NOT in the cards.

On another note, "purple-fessional" from the Tel dictionary/pronunciation guide ("professional" for the rest of us)

Spring Break (from sports)

The boys wrapped up their 2011 wrestling season last weekend with the Enterprise tournament. Dax opted out; he is on the Junior Swim Team and they were having a party the same night (I don't blame him: party vs having your head slammed into a mat...hmmmmmm).

This season started different from last: Tel signed up, couldn't wait to do so and began with a BANG!! Dax was swimming and in the beginning of the season one practice conflicted with the other. Buuuuuttttt.....after Tel's first tournie in Parowan Dax got the itch and HAD to be signed up.

Dax competes against kids who have been wrestling since preschool, they know all the moves including the "cheap shots" that aren't seen by the refs. I have to hand it to Dax, he LOVES sports, he loves the competition, he loves the camaraderie, he just loves it. I know this because time and again of being pounded to the mat he would show up to practice the next week and sign up for the next tournament. He only won two matches this season, steadily took 4th place but he never gave up. This season I realized how strong and tough Dax is. He can give a good pounding (although he is still learning wrestling "moves") and he can take one without a tear. He would be red and bruised from head to toe and still stand up to shake his opponent's hand and walk over to shake their dad's and coaches hands. He is a humble person and I am so proud of that. It is harder to take a loss with your head held high than to win every match. Good job Dax----I know you'll get 'em next year!! (PS many times Dax had to wrestle 2 close friends, after the initial giggle they would wrestle like strangers and hug after the match. THAT is what makes a parent proud, not the win)

Tel is Tel's biggest fan. There is no need for anyone to brag or congratulate him, he does it well. He is really fast and strong, wrestling was easy for Tel. There wasn't a need for Tel to learn any more than a couple of basic wrestling moves to win. He placed first and second all season until the final tournie---HE PLACED 4TH (lost all three matches). He was pinned twice (which was unheard of) and lost one by points. He is NOT a good loser; his pride was bruised and he was mad as hell!! (It brought me back to high school days where I had to ride home HOURS in silence with a bull rider who didn't stay on....hmmmmmmm) We talked to him about his attitude on our way home and hopefully he will be more humble in the future. I do have to say that because he had never experienced a loss he didn't know what was "acceptable". I'm not making excuses but as a parent it is hard to teach a 6 year old hypothetical situations and have them stick. Tel is an awesome athlete and I can't wait to see him excel in the future----GOOD JOB TEL!!

Dax still has swim team but we don't start spring sports (Tel does T-ball) for a month or so.......what to do with all my extra time????

Guest Speaker

My Psychology classes just ended their unit on the brain (my most unfave; physical science and I do NOT get along) and they learned quite a bit. I wanted to do something "different" for them to apply their knowledge so I thought "hmmmmmm who do I know with damage to their brain" AHA!! My wonderful sister!!

She who used to be outgoing, she who used to love "doing", she who had zero disabilities and was unique based on her LOUD personality. She who needs purpose.

1st period was a success! The kids sat quietly totally engrossed in her long, sad story. They had awesome questions and Dayna answered wonderfully. She told her story and only teared up twice---way less than if it were me up there. She comes back in a little while to speak to my 4th period and I know she will do even better then (the what-ifs will have vanished, now she's old hat)

Thank you Dayna and sadly, thank you tumor and stroke because we have gained a lot through these trials that we wouldn't have otherwise. It hasn't killed us, it must be making us stronger (Dayna for sure)

NFL Fan

This past weekend was "Wildcard Weekend". For those of you who aren't die-hard NFL watchers it is the first of the playoffs toward the Superbowl. I am a HUUUUUUGE New Orleans Saints fan, not because they won last year's Superbowl but because, until half of their starters got injured, they were a team-team; meaning they all worked together and there wasn't ONE player who "made" the wins. I am also an admirer of Peyton Manning and Michael Vick. Manning is a "true champion" as hubby coined, I cannot phrase it better. He is an awesome ball player, humble, and funny as hell (remember the commercials during 2009 holiday season----the Christmas gifts......LMAO). Also, Vick has made some HUGE mistakes in his life but he has shown that he knows it and is working his ass off to prove that the league should never regret letting him play again. This man can throw amazing passes and, when under the gun, will run the ball as well as any RB. Unfortunately I now think I am a jinx, and if I were a NFL player this is the letter I would draft to me, the NFL fan:

Dear Ms Hirschi,

Although we love to hear about our fans and the dedication that they have for watching and cheering on the teams, we would rather you not be a fan of ours anymore. We believe that you may be bad luck, a jinx perhaps.

During the first playoff weekend we were slated to play teams who could not, and should never have, held a candle to our playing abilities. We played tough football during this game, the score was close from beginning to end---which makes for a good game to watch; normally. When the opposing team took the lead and kept the lead we knew it was from nothing more than you, Ms Hirschi, the jinxed fan who yells obscenities at the television screen, wears fan t-shirts, drinks from team cups, and prays for a miracle win.

We should never have lost this game, it wasn't statistically feasible. YOU BLEW IT FOR US! It is without apology that we ask you to NEVER cheer for us again. Please choose another team to cheer for; the Seahawks, Packers, or the Jets perhaps.

Farewell,
The New Orleans Saints........or.........
Peyton Manning.........or.........
Michael Vick..........

A Stroke at 31......

All the while growing up I was told to watch my sister and if she got hurt or into any trouble I had to answer as much as she did because I am the elder of the two and I was supposed to watch out for her. As an adult I have been yelled at by my mother and sister for not leaving my two cents out in regard to my sister's life----how do you turn off years and years of "being in charge" overnight? Now here I am again......where do I fall now?

I cannot wrap my head around it: my beautiful, funny (more like hilarious for those of you who knew her before the surgeries), fun sister had to have surgeries 16 and 17 (I think....more than 15 less than 20 at this point---all within 6 1/2 years) on her brain. Her body fails to circulate spinal fluid correctly so it pools in the lower region of her skull causing her brain to run out of room and be SQUISHED! The doc put a shunt in which was supposed to do the circulation but shunt after shunt something fails to work properly. The first surgery was to replace the non-working shunt then something went awry. I don't know why (info hasn't been real clear), but the doc felt she needed a CAT scan and it showed that the new shunt wasn't working and that there was bleeding in her brain. Into surgery she went again---ON THE SAME F-ING DAY!!!!! They stopped the bleeding and got the shunt working buuuuuuuutttttt we are now told that it was a stroke she had. Her speech is very slurred, her memory worse than before, she cannot walk and has to re-learn how to use her right leg and arm. The worst part of the whole thing is that her mind is there enough to know that she has lost her mind.

I just want to crawl into bed and never come out. This is my only sibling; my best friend and worst enemy. We have fought with deadly weapons and we have laughed til we've peed our pants.

She is not GONE, the doc said she should be able to recover, somewhat but it is based on every individual case so statistics mean shit.

If you pray, please do so for her. If you believe in "good thoughts" please do so for her. I'm trying to stay positive.......