School Girl Giddiness

As I was doing the nightly trips to and from the kitchen getting everyone their bottles of water before bed, I noticed my hubbie perusing my blog. I emphasize the word notice, this I did with my eyes not ears---I thought he said I was funny???? I didn't hear the slightest chuckle. Afterward I asked what he thought and all he came up with was "the last post made me sound like an asshole and maybe the stories aren't funny to me because I know what happened before I read them". Me being the asshole was the point of the last post I pointed out (were any of you confused on that?). Why is his approval so important? Why do I care if I impress him? We've been married for almost 10 years and dated for the 5 years before that and I think I am still smitten! I do the most stupid things to get him to notice and make a comment. I want him rolling on the ground in pain from laughing so hard at the shit I write about. I bust my ass to get the house spotless in the few hours I have in between work and when he gets home so he will say things like "gee, how do you do it? You're awesome". What, am I in 5th grade? Do we never progress from the silly, flutter, do impossible shit to get attention stage that we go through when first attracted to someone? I don't know if this is a good thing because we haven't lost that show off stuff, or if it bad because we have yet to take our relationship to a higher level (or maybe this is the highest???). I am definitely not a love, relationship, or marriage counselor but I do know there is NOT a perfect relationship out there. I guess I should be happy that my relationship's (can a relationship have ownership?) biggest flaw is the lack of getting beyond the school girl shit (oh yea and we don't fight about only the problems now we drudge up 15 years worth of oppression) but that is a different story.

Dahli Lhama (sp?)

I have just realized that I have become far too into myself. For years I lived for my relationship with my boyfriend, completely abandoning who I was, what I did, and who I did it with. Then that turned into living for my hubbie (same as before mentioned boyfriend) but now it was not only not having a life outside of married togetherness it also included scrubbing toilets, washing another person's dirty underwear, oh and picking them up first from wherever hubbie discarded, and cooking (this was NEW, I had NEVER cooked before and to this day I'm not very good). Along came kiddo #1 and lo and behold life change! My days revolved around what he wanted, needed, or what he didn't want or need. Again no social life outside of park, family, to and from school, and work. I lived for my son and he has turned out awesome. This continued into my life revolving around 2 sons and one day I looked at myself in the mirror, realized I had gained 30 pounds, didn't have a career (just a job), dressed like a 40 year old grandmother, took pride in having the cleanest house in the entire country, etc... I was done, what happened to ME? I worked my ass off, literally. Dropped about 35 lbs, trashed my clothes and started spending money on myself--not Jesse, not the boys, ME. My house has gone to hell, my boys are still spoiled and I do all the "what makes you a better hands on parent" shit, but I think I have, again, went too far on the spectrum. My life now revolves around the gym, shopping for shoes and clothes, going on vacations (with and without my boys), constant change in hair color, cut, style--I need a fresh start to find a happy medium and I think the answer lies with the Dahli Lhama. Didn't John Lennon regroup with those guys? He came back with all the answers he needed--like what parties should he go to, where should the band play next, should the band get back together (all the important famous rockstar dilemmas). No I'm serious. I know you guys think I am the biggest bitcher but I save it all for you. I am sickening peppy at school, super mom with my boys, and a so-so wife someone has to take the brunt of it all. Help me, how do you find a happy medium between being you and being this role of mom/wife/housekeeper/super teacher/tutor/farm hand/pornstar (nah, I'm just kidding with that one :) ) Downer post I know but I had to vent!

Easter

I have a couple of topics rolling around inside of my head today, both have to do with Easter but are pretty much unrelated. Why do we spend countless hours and take many a opportunity to teach our children not to lie (and by god do not go around talking about imaginary thoughts as if they were reality) while at the same time we pound it into their malleable minds that there is a ginormous rabbit who visits annually to drop off TOO much candy and "prizes" they do not need? My youngest is TERRIFIED of the Easter bunny, just the mention of him gets the child rambling about how he won't come into our house he will just leave the basket (or the sand pail as in the case of my children for the past 3 years) outside. Tel is completely afraid of this huge bunny (he has seen the "real" Easter bunny at the annual main street park Easter egg hunt they have in our "city"); but what is not to fear. We have had rabbits on our pseudo farm before and the kids have held them, fed them, and accidentally released them from their bunny prison to enter bunny hell which consists of running their asses off trying to get away from the common stray dog; but at no time did we have a pet rabbit the size of their father. We have had animals grow to uncommon sizes, but come on! I assured Tel that the Easter bunny would only leave his basket and not bother him at all--" there is no reason to worry, you've seen Quin (our border collie) chase the rabbits in the hills" (this did bring about deep gut killing laughs out of the child and all was well). This leads to my second topic of the evening: what the bunny brought. I am sick of my children accumulating SHIT! The stocking shit, the McDonald's shit, the birthday goodie bag shit, the "grandma gave me a surprise" shit--ALL the shit. So this Easter I was determined to stock the basket, aka pail and shovel, with something they would use rather than stuff in a toy bin to be forever forgotten. Both boys received Discmans (I know, outdated with MP3's and all but come on: 8 years old and 3 years old) and a CD. Great idea especially because we went camping 3 hours away and the ride home after devouring half of the chocolate contents in said pail would've been more than mommy could handle. My eldest got a CD with various 1970's famous guitar rock songs on it, ever since the "Guitar Hero" addiction he has been a huge fan of "oldies" (as he says, I am not quite old enough to categorize them as such), Tel got a 2 disk compilation of Easter/Kids songs. Tel put on his headphones and we didn't hear a word from him until we got home and since we've been home if the headphones are on he only communicates to us if we are bothering him. Discman=great idea for baskets!!

Quit Your Damn Whining...

That is exactly the response I would get from my mother, whom I so dearly love, whenever I was saddened by anything, worrying about anything, just any negative vent I had on my mind.
I know second blog today. You're probably thinking WTF doesn't this chick have any responsibilities--but that is just it. I have had a lot of time to think today, my youngest had an abnormally long nap. I had the hardest time being my normally peppy self at work today. Remember, I am a social studies teacher at an alternative high school. I usually really enjoy being at work, take pride in what I teach, and try to project my love of learning to my students but today I couldn't muster up a real smile-- yet I put on a pretty good fakie. Today was the first day of the 4th, and last, quarter. Friday afternoon I was pumped for today: fresh start, last stretch we were going to do great things; today NOTHING. I went back to school, earned a 2nd BS and accumulated more student loans, because I wanted to teach. It was the ONLY thing I wanted to do and yet today I am asking myself "what the hell am I doing". I have no great ideas for my new unit in geography and I'm getting a new student in there at the same time. My psychology enthusiasm has vanished and my strongest most unquestionable love of US government has gone by the wayside---I couldn't even remember who wrote the friggin Bill of Rights. I didn't want to be there, I don't want to be there tomorrow, what has happened to me. I am saddened and disappointed in myself: the self-proclaimed peppy instructor and striver of teacher of the year. Help me, don't give me smarmy shit, I don't need my ego boosted, I need answers: why is this happening and how the hell can it leave/change?? So instead of spending excessive time online creating new activities for class I have blogged twice, written to and replied to every friend I have via email--I will now indulge myself in some Myspace catch up (yes, I am still falling victim to its lure). At this time I will pretend I have bawled my eyes out and vented to my mother all of the thoughts I have posted and think to myself how she would and has always replied "oh, quit your damn whining nobody has it easy"

Clothes from high school????

So maybe I'm stealing a bit of my piece from a friend of mine, but I am expanding. Should I attach a cite reference page??? I don't think she'll care.
Who the hell can wear clothes from high school? I could until I got married, 10 freakin years ago!! I was reading a blog and the comments people were adding, both were about items of clothing that a person has owned the longest and low and behold there was an individual who not only stated she has children but that she owns and occasionally wears clothing from high school. You all know my internal battle with weight (actually food) management and my addiction to the gym and NONE of my goals include wearing the size from high school. Bearing children, alone, makes it physically impossible to squeeze into that size. And before I go on I should mention that while in high school the fad was to wear "too tight" pants which, at the time, I had to lay on the floor (first thing in the morning--NO BREAKFAST ALLOWED, may cause bloating) and have my sister work the zipper up while I tried to work the pants together. It was accomplished day after day and DAMN I looked good. But this is nowhere ever going to happen again (the same size thing, not the squeeze into too small pants--come on don't lie to yourselves). If you have never been pregnant or given birth you still have to come to the realization that maturity did occur. A mature female is blessed with wider hips and the lovely cellulite deposits that were necessary for survival eons ago. When will we evolve to the point where our fat deposits match our technological advances of central heating!! Ok, it has now become apparent that it boils down to jealousy not really astonishment. Why can one girl still wear clothes from high school when others, myself, are just trying to get back to the ballooning size (or so I thought it was at the time, but would kill for now) brought about by the first prescription of birth control?