Judging (and mentally punishing) oneself

I always read through MSNBC while I eat my lunch and today I came across a link, link, link about "No Judgement Day". Basically it is a day set aside by Redbook magazine encouraging mothers to quit judging other mothers. One part of the article really stuck with me; it was about judging ourselves based upon how "others" think we should parent. Great day for me to read this!

Tel had an assembly today: received an award for the Reflections contest (theme: Diversity) and probably a reading award but I had to miss it because I had to get back to work. It is times like this that I wonder why I went full time....of course the insurance is better, I had to finish my Masters degree and being full time would help with loan forgiveness, and I had always said "it was the plan" but what about my baby? I'm not having anymore kids and Tel isn't getting younger; the events I miss now can never be replaced.

To make matters worse, my camera was jacked and the only pictures I got of him getting the only award I could watch were either back of the head shots or blurred beyond belief.

So, in order to remember this day: GREAT JOB TEL!! I am so proud of your writing and reading abilities. May you always remember that you do not need an award to remind you of your worth. You are an amazing, inquisitive boy and I am proud to call you my son. Keep up the good work!! I hope to never miss another ceremony but you know that isn't a guarantee. I hope that I am instilling a good work ethic in you when I do have to miss.

Tackle Football!

My hubbie & his bitches!

(he has referred to us as such for almost 20 years now)

A couple of weeks ago the moms from Youth Football USA played against the moms from the city league team. Full contact, tackle football! It was so much fun; I played outside linebacker and right tackle. The "line" I was on only played 4 downs of defense and the rest of the game as offense. As a linebacker I missed one tackle because I was too high and was in on my next tackle. THEY ANNOUNCED MY NAME ON THE LOUD SPEAKER! It was so cool. I am now not only addicted to watching football but I love to play as well.

The Spectrum had a write up and everything!

It was for a good cause: October is breast cancer awareness, hence the pink. We donated all of the proceeds to the new cancer wing at Valley View Medical Center. I can't wait until next year!

PS we lost; but we'll woop 'em next time!!

Mini Breakdown

Just a little one, nothing to drastic, just the sit and stare at a wall and, with all of my might, hold back tears.

I have enjoyed having my kids home for the past few days; we are on "fall break". I have forgotten what it was like to hear them around doing their thing and not having to rush, rush here or there and everywhere.

I have also been so happy/proud/feeling lucky to have such a great hubby who will put any and all of his plans on hold to redecorate Dax's bedroom at my whim. I mean repaint and re-floor, re-baseboard, re-shelf, and re-arrange. He almost had it completed but now has to go back to work and will finish on his next days off. It has a more grown up feel and I feel like he will be able to mature in this room; better than the camouflage walls :)

Back to my breakdown: I don't know what I was thinking. I can't do this Masters' thesis. I stare at walls, I stare at journal articles, I stare at computer screens, I just stare. I am so scared, I feel so inadequate and the more I work on the thesis the more I realize I am not as educated as I once believed myself to be. I am thousands of dollars in debt and thousands of hours have been spent toward this degree and I fear that I may not be able to finish. My proposal class meets once a month and shares what everyone is doing...one student began her sharing session with the fact that she has hired a grammar coach who is helping her write her thesis. Ummmm WTF???? Where do you find someone like that? I will find the money....I know the information I want in the paper but I have no f-ing idea on how to put it there. I can read and summarize, read and test, read and whatever the hell else but read and write a friggin 20+ page thesis. I don't know where to begin, I don't know how to begin so I will continue to stare at the wall and hold back my flood of tears.

My sons and I go back to school tomorrow; it really has been nice to not have to be anywhere at a certain time. I miss the do nothing days.

Teaching is so easy; anyone can do it.

Yep, I was told that this morning. It took everything I had not to burst into tears and then it took the rest to keep my cool....relatively. I didn't flip completely out and I did keep my voice down so I would say I remained calm.

I missed my sons' football practice, again, because I had a class that will help my teaching ability. I am at wits end with full time work, a hubby with a crappy schedule (we only see each other at the kids' games anymore), kid stuff 5 days a week (piano, practice, and games), preparation for my full time work (oh wait, its easy why do I need to prepare), aaaannnndddd the tail end of my Masters degree. I'm in the thesis writing class and it is way over my head.

I'm in the program to become a better teacher. Yes, I will get a pay raise but it is NO WHERE near enough to justify the work and sacrifice a person goes through. So, if its so damn easy why is it so damn HARD for me????

When I feel like crying I think about the grateful kids I instruct and that keeps me going but now I find that they aren't so grateful. What can I use to stay strong now?

Luckily it is Friday so I only have to hold back tears for a couple of hours and then I can open the flood gates for two days all the while trying to focus through the streams on the paper that is due next week.

Happy Friday! or something like that :(

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

New School Year, that is.

This year I am dealing with 2 extra significant school years and a major change in my schedule.

Dax is now a Middle Schooler! Ugh...when did this happen? It was just yesterday he was in 3-year-old preschool and told me he wanted to bring sandwiches for his birthday treat (that's the kind of kid he is). 6th grade and so excited for it; he doesn't have ONE butterfly! He can't wait for PE, Student Council elections (because this year he decided he wants to grow and become a Congressman....to be the "honest" one), and what he says is an extremely large selection of chicks! What? What happened to cooties? And why is every text he receives from a girl? I am lucky that he is polite, intelligent, responsible, and respectful...it makes me worry less about the influence that middle school tends to bring.

Tel is now going to school all day: 1st grade. He is so excited for lunch at school and 3 recesses. All but one of his closest friends are in other classes which he is sad about but I remind him that they will all have lunch together. He still thinks girls have cooties, sort of. He will tell Dax his true feelings and puts on a show for me and Hubby (fine with me...I lie to myself about their ages anyway).

I now work full time. I have NEVER had a full time job in my life. Hubby actually asked me if I was going to be able to handle it. Ha, ha, ha, ha! When I was offered the position I said I would need some time to discuss it with Hubby. The first thing Hubby said was "wasn't that the plan? Once the boys were in school all day you would be too?" At the time of plan making it sounded good, now SCARY!!

With these big milestones come great experiences; even the bad ones will make us chuckle 20 years from now (I hope).

Change

I fear change. I stress about it when it happens. I become an insomniac, then a zombie due to lack of sleep. I procrastinate. I clean, re-clean, and clean again. I bitch about the changes (even if I really don't care about them). I get snooty to those who try to change things. I get snotty to those who change things even when they are just following directions. There is a direct correlation between my eyes and my fears: the more I roll my eyes, the more I am afraid of the changes. These are all my very unhealthy defense mechanisms for one of my biggest fears: CHANGE. Any change, all change.......... I like a nice vanilla life where everything is planned in advance and nothing unexpected comes about. I know why I fear it and I know I don't need to. It is irrational. It is one of the things that causes my OCD to go into hyper-drive. At 33 I know change is inevitable, however it doesn't haunt my less.

Football Begins

After getting our equipment on Monday, the boys officially started the season yesterday. Both boys are playing football this year: Dax, because he LOVES it (funny, reading posts from his first year of playing I remembered how much he was feeling out of place) and Tel because he has been asking to play since he could talk (2 years old or so).

After Hubby coaching Dax for 4 years, we decided that he needed to experience being coached by someone other than Dad before he goes to High School. I was all for this until the practice actually started. I FEAR CHANGE AND IT GIVES ME MUCH ANXIETY! Of course a new coach will do things different from what Hubby did but I thought that is what I wanted, now I'm not so sure. I guess all that matters is that Dax is having fun, and he is. I need to GET OVER IT.

Tel is going into the first grade but playing on the 3rd grade team (youngest team in the league). This week is just for conditioning, no pads or hitting. The coaches like to see how athletically inclined each player is during this week. Being one of the two first graders on the team, I didn't think Tel would be able to "do" much but learn a lot. I should have known better. This kid is a go getter. He says he will take over the world (well, he talks a lot about himself) and I am finding that he is willing to push himself to actually do it! Out of 25 first-third graders my little Telly was one of the fastest 9 kids (he was telling Dax and I all about it at dinner but we had our suspicions as to what really happened, when hubby got home from work he corroborated the story)!! Some of these kids are a good foot taller than him! He may talk big but I'm finding he is willing to live up to his VERY HIGH expectations of himself!

I am so excited for this season: Dax getting even better at the sport he loves and Tel learning the fundamentals of ONE of his fave sports. Good luck boys!!