Teaching is so easy; anyone can do it.

Yep, I was told that this morning. It took everything I had not to burst into tears and then it took the rest to keep my cool....relatively. I didn't flip completely out and I did keep my voice down so I would say I remained calm.

I missed my sons' football practice, again, because I had a class that will help my teaching ability. I am at wits end with full time work, a hubby with a crappy schedule (we only see each other at the kids' games anymore), kid stuff 5 days a week (piano, practice, and games), preparation for my full time work (oh wait, its easy why do I need to prepare), aaaannnndddd the tail end of my Masters degree. I'm in the thesis writing class and it is way over my head.

I'm in the program to become a better teacher. Yes, I will get a pay raise but it is NO WHERE near enough to justify the work and sacrifice a person goes through. So, if its so damn easy why is it so damn HARD for me????

When I feel like crying I think about the grateful kids I instruct and that keeps me going but now I find that they aren't so grateful. What can I use to stay strong now?

Luckily it is Friday so I only have to hold back tears for a couple of hours and then I can open the flood gates for two days all the while trying to focus through the streams on the paper that is due next week.

Happy Friday! or something like that :(

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

New School Year, that is.

This year I am dealing with 2 extra significant school years and a major change in my schedule.

Dax is now a Middle Schooler! Ugh...when did this happen? It was just yesterday he was in 3-year-old preschool and told me he wanted to bring sandwiches for his birthday treat (that's the kind of kid he is). 6th grade and so excited for it; he doesn't have ONE butterfly! He can't wait for PE, Student Council elections (because this year he decided he wants to grow and become a Congressman....to be the "honest" one), and what he says is an extremely large selection of chicks! What? What happened to cooties? And why is every text he receives from a girl? I am lucky that he is polite, intelligent, responsible, and respectful...it makes me worry less about the influence that middle school tends to bring.

Tel is now going to school all day: 1st grade. He is so excited for lunch at school and 3 recesses. All but one of his closest friends are in other classes which he is sad about but I remind him that they will all have lunch together. He still thinks girls have cooties, sort of. He will tell Dax his true feelings and puts on a show for me and Hubby (fine with me...I lie to myself about their ages anyway).

I now work full time. I have NEVER had a full time job in my life. Hubby actually asked me if I was going to be able to handle it. Ha, ha, ha, ha! When I was offered the position I said I would need some time to discuss it with Hubby. The first thing Hubby said was "wasn't that the plan? Once the boys were in school all day you would be too?" At the time of plan making it sounded good, now SCARY!!

With these big milestones come great experiences; even the bad ones will make us chuckle 20 years from now (I hope).

Change

I fear change. I stress about it when it happens. I become an insomniac, then a zombie due to lack of sleep. I procrastinate. I clean, re-clean, and clean again. I bitch about the changes (even if I really don't care about them). I get snooty to those who try to change things. I get snotty to those who change things even when they are just following directions. There is a direct correlation between my eyes and my fears: the more I roll my eyes, the more I am afraid of the changes. These are all my very unhealthy defense mechanisms for one of my biggest fears: CHANGE. Any change, all change.......... I like a nice vanilla life where everything is planned in advance and nothing unexpected comes about. I know why I fear it and I know I don't need to. It is irrational. It is one of the things that causes my OCD to go into hyper-drive. At 33 I know change is inevitable, however it doesn't haunt my less.

Football Begins

After getting our equipment on Monday, the boys officially started the season yesterday. Both boys are playing football this year: Dax, because he LOVES it (funny, reading posts from his first year of playing I remembered how much he was feeling out of place) and Tel because he has been asking to play since he could talk (2 years old or so).

After Hubby coaching Dax for 4 years, we decided that he needed to experience being coached by someone other than Dad before he goes to High School. I was all for this until the practice actually started. I FEAR CHANGE AND IT GIVES ME MUCH ANXIETY! Of course a new coach will do things different from what Hubby did but I thought that is what I wanted, now I'm not so sure. I guess all that matters is that Dax is having fun, and he is. I need to GET OVER IT.

Tel is going into the first grade but playing on the 3rd grade team (youngest team in the league). This week is just for conditioning, no pads or hitting. The coaches like to see how athletically inclined each player is during this week. Being one of the two first graders on the team, I didn't think Tel would be able to "do" much but learn a lot. I should have known better. This kid is a go getter. He says he will take over the world (well, he talks a lot about himself) and I am finding that he is willing to push himself to actually do it! Out of 25 first-third graders my little Telly was one of the fastest 9 kids (he was telling Dax and I all about it at dinner but we had our suspicions as to what really happened, when hubby got home from work he corroborated the story)!! Some of these kids are a good foot taller than him! He may talk big but I'm finding he is willing to live up to his VERY HIGH expectations of himself!

I am so excited for this season: Dax getting even better at the sport he loves and Tel learning the fundamentals of ONE of his fave sports. Good luck boys!!

Neglect?

I'm curious, is it child abuse or merely neglect that my youngest son has gone so long without bathing/showering that he has a huge ZIT and sweat rash on his cute little bum? I really don't know how I let this happen; well maybe I have an inkling. Me threatening, Tel giving me excuse, and then going about our busy day; next thing I know I have forgotten to enforce yet again.

"Tel you HAVE to shower today"

Day 1: "Why, I've been playing on the slip-n-slide all day. I'm clean, that's water"
Day 2: "I'm.....tooooo......tired.....I....will...in...the....mor......" (as he fell asleep)
Day 3: "I can't, me and the girls planned to do 'x' "
Day 4: he slept over at the girls' house
Day 5: SHOWER-----ZIT FOUND, SWEAT RASH, STINKY PIGS, DIRTY BOY

I had no idea boys are sooooo gross! My oldest boy was so good at bathing, he enjoyed it. I just don't know about this one.

Am I missing it?

Nothing funny, again. Me whining, again.

This is day 2 of me sitting and being sad. When I turned on the TV yesterday morning for my daily dose of the news, the channel was on Nick. and Sponge Bob was on. It was an episode that came out when Dax was 4 or 5; pre-Tel years. I suddenly became so depressed. I remember sitting, doing nothing, just Dax and me....for hours. We would watch TV, movies, do puzzles, read, whatever. It has been years since he has wanted to just BE with me; he doesn't even have friends over...he goes "there". The pre-teen years do NOT ease you into the teenage years, it throws you into the teenage years. I feel like I've missed it. I have great memories: some written, some pictures, some in my head. I want it back. Would I have done anything different? No, I just didn't/don't want it to end.

Once Tel ate on his own, he never wanted to hang with me; he follows Dax around like a puppy. He idolizes his brother and I wouldn't want it any other way. Buuuuttttt.....if Dax hung out, then Tel would want to, too.

So many sleepless nights of babies who cannot be comforted; children who need someone tall to do everything make parents long for the time when the said child is more independent. I changed my mind, I don't long for it anymore. I miss it. I don't want another baby; I want MY babies.

What do you do to rid yourself of the post-post-post postpartum depression? Or am I alone in this?

It's all your fault

Scribblenaut: a Nintendo DS game in which the child types in words to produce different items to use in said game (if you need any more explanation than that please speak with your 6 year old for I am without better understanding)

Tel: "Dad, spell shovel"

Hubby: "S-H-O-V-E-L"

----Tel types word into Scribblenaut game----

Tel: "Dad! YOU SPELLED IT WRONG!! You forgot the E before the L"


Hmmmmm....... how does one teach accountability.......