It Makes Sense...

Christmas Memories

2011-12-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

I've become very nostalgic as of late. Decorating and preparing for Christmas gets me thinking about the Christmases I had as a child and the small details that I will forever connect with the holiday:

--the hiss and pop of the Christmas album playing on my grandparent's turntable (Brenda Lee, Gene Autry, and the gang have never sounded as good since)

--trying to make it so the colored bulbs on my Grandma's ceramic tree were truly varied (there is no way to ensure two of the same color will not be side by side)

--the smell of my mother's, decorative and not to be lit, Christmas candles (I equally liked the smell before and after my sister and I lit them to have our very own Christmas morning about a week before the actual date)

--ribbon candy. I have always hated the taste but miss it sticking to the inside of stockings

--My name in huge glitter letters on a bright red stocking

--everyone sitting around the table talking or playing board games, two gallons of eggnog toddies later (Grandma always at the head of the table and me snuggled next)

--smell of Cherry Halls cough drops: for about 4 years in a row I was blessed with a horrendous cough and sore throat for Christmas Eve

--my dad pointing out the ACTUAL sound of hooves on the roof on Christmas Eve (doesn't everyone have left over deer legs in their yard for such reasons?)

--the school sing along: Kindergarten through 5th grade crammed into the gym singing to the words on the overhead....very out of key, soooo not politically correct

--getting "dressed to the nines" for Christmas Eve at my Grandma and Grandpa Sheppard's. HUGE party, everyone dressed up, and the table set nice enough for Martha Stewart to be envious

May you all reminisce on the little things that make this season so great.....and it is NEVER the presents that are remembered.

Merry Christmas!

Judging (and mentally punishing) oneself

2011-11-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

I always read through MSNBC while I eat my lunch and today I came across a link, link, link about "No Judgement Day". Basically it is a day set aside by Redbook magazine encouraging mothers to quit judging other mothers. One part of the article really stuck with me; it was about judging ourselves based upon how "others" think we should parent. Great day for me to read this!

Tel had an assembly today: received an award for the Reflections contest (theme: Diversity) and probably a reading award but I had to miss it because I had to get back to work. It is times like this that I wonder why I went full time....of course the insurance is better, I had to finish my Masters degree and being full time would help with loan forgiveness, and I had always said "it was the plan" but what about my baby? I'm not having anymore kids and Tel isn't getting younger; the events I miss now can never be replaced.

To make matters worse, my camera was jacked and the only pictures I got of him getting the only award I could watch were either back of the head shots or blurred beyond belief.

So, in order to remember this day: GREAT JOB TEL!! I am so proud of your writing and reading abilities. May you always remember that you do not need an award to remind you of your worth. You are an amazing, inquisitive boy and I am proud to call you my son. Keep up the good work!! I hope to never miss another ceremony but you know that isn't a guarantee. I hope that I am instilling a good work ethic in you when I do have to miss.

Tackle Football!

2011-11-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

My hubbie & his bitches!

(he has referred to us as such for almost 20 years now)

A couple of weeks ago the moms from Youth Football USA played against the moms from the city league team. Full contact, tackle football! It was so much fun; I played outside linebacker and right tackle. The "line" I was on only played 4 downs of defense and the rest of the game as offense. As a linebacker I missed one tackle because I was too high and was in on my next tackle. THEY ANNOUNCED MY NAME ON THE LOUD SPEAKER! It was so cool. I am now not only addicted to watching football but I love to play as well.

The Spectrum had a write up and everything!

It was for a good cause: October is breast cancer awareness, hence the pink. We donated all of the proceeds to the new cancer wing at Valley View Medical Center. I can't wait until next year!

PS we lost; but we'll woop 'em next time!!

Mini Breakdown

2011-10-24T09:08:00.001-07:00

Just a little one, nothing to drastic, just the sit and stare at a wall and, with all of my might, hold back tears.

I have enjoyed having my kids home for the past few days; we are on "fall break". I have forgotten what it was like to hear them around doing their thing and not having to rush, rush here or there and everywhere.

I have also been so happy/proud/feeling lucky to have such a great hubby who will put any and all of his plans on hold to redecorate Dax's bedroom at my whim. I mean repaint and re-floor, re-baseboard, re-shelf, and re-arrange. He almost had it completed but now has to go back to work and will finish on his next days off. It has a more grown up feel and I feel like he will be able to mature in this room; better than the camouflage walls :)

Back to my breakdown: I don't know what I was thinking. I can't do this Masters' thesis. I stare at walls, I stare at journal articles, I stare at computer screens, I just stare. I am so scared, I feel so inadequate and the more I work on the thesis the more I realize I am not as educated as I once believed myself to be. I am thousands of dollars in debt and thousands of hours have been spent toward this degree and I fear that I may not be able to finish. My proposal class meets once a month and shares what everyone is doing...one student began her sharing session with the fact that she has hired a grammar coach who is helping her write her thesis. Ummmm WTF???? Where do you find someone like that? I will find the money....I know the information I want in the paper but I have no f-ing idea on how to put it there. I can read and summarize, read and test, read and whatever the hell else but read and write a friggin 20+ page thesis. I don't know where to begin, I don't know how to begin so I will continue to stare at the wall and hold back my flood of tears.

My sons and I go back to school tomorrow; it really has been nice to not have to be anywhere at a certain time. I miss the do nothing days.

Teaching is so easy; anyone can do it.

2011-09-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

Yep, I was told that this morning. It took everything I had not to burst into tears and then it took the rest to keep my cool....relatively. I didn't flip completely out and I did keep my voice down so I would say I remained calm.

I missed my sons' football practice, again, because I had a class that will help my teaching ability. I am at wits end with full time work, a hubby with a crappy schedule (we only see each other at the kids' games anymore), kid stuff 5 days a week (piano, practice, and games), preparation for my full time work (oh wait, its easy why do I need to prepare), aaaannnndddd the tail end of my Masters degree. I'm in the thesis writing class and it is way over my head.

I'm in the program to become a better teacher. Yes, I will get a pay raise but it is NO WHERE near enough to justify the work and sacrifice a person goes through. So, if its so damn easy why is it so damn HARD for me????

When I feel like crying I think about the grateful kids I instruct and that keeps me going but now I find that they aren't so grateful. What can I use to stay strong now?

Luckily it is Friday so I only have to hold back tears for a couple of hours and then I can open the flood gates for two days all the while trying to focus through the streams on the paper that is due next week.

Happy Friday! or something like that :(

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2011-08-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

New School Year, that is.

This year I am dealing with 2 extra significant school years and a major change in my schedule.

Dax is now a Middle Schooler! Ugh...when did this happen? It was just yesterday he was in 3-year-old preschool and told me he wanted to bring sandwiches for his birthday treat (that's the kind of kid he is). 6th grade and so excited for it; he doesn't have ONE butterfly! He can't wait for PE, Student Council elections (because this year he decided he wants to grow and become a Congressman....to be the "honest" one), and what he says is an extremely large selection of chicks! What? What happened to cooties? And why is every text he receives from a girl? I am lucky that he is polite, intelligent, responsible, and respectful...it makes me worry less about the influence that middle school tends to bring.

Tel is now going to school all day: 1st grade. He is so excited for lunch at school and 3 recesses. All but one of his closest friends are in other classes which he is sad about but I remind him that they will all have lunch together. He still thinks girls have cooties, sort of. He will tell Dax his true feelings and puts on a show for me and Hubby (fine with me...I lie to myself about their ages anyway).

I now work full time. I have NEVER had a full time job in my life. Hubby actually asked me if I was going to be able to handle it. Ha, ha, ha, ha! When I was offered the position I said I would need some time to discuss it with Hubby. The first thing Hubby said was "wasn't that the plan? Once the boys were in school all day you would be too?" At the time of plan making it sounded good, now SCARY!!

With these big milestones come great experiences; even the bad ones will make us chuckle 20 years from now (I hope).

Change

2011-08-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

I fear change. I stress about it when it happens. I become an insomniac, then a zombie due to lack of sleep. I procrastinate. I clean, re-clean, and clean again. I bitch about the changes (even if I really don't care about them). I get snooty to those who try to change things. I get snotty to those who change things even when they are just following directions. There is a direct correlation between my eyes and my fears: the more I roll my eyes, the more I am afraid of the changes. These are all my very unhealthy defense mechanisms for one of my biggest fears: CHANGE. Any change, all change.......... I like a nice vanilla life where everything is planned in advance and nothing unexpected comes about. I know why I fear it and I know I don't need to. It is irrational. It is one of the things that causes my OCD to go into hyper-drive. At 33 I know change is inevitable, however it doesn't haunt my less.

Football Begins

2011-08-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

After getting our equipment on Monday, the boys officially started the season yesterday. Both boys are playing football this year: Dax, because he LOVES it (funny, reading posts from his first year of playing I remembered how much he was feeling out of place) and Tel because he has been asking to play since he could talk (2 years old or so).

After Hubby coaching Dax for 4 years, we decided that he needed to experience being coached by someone other than Dad before he goes to High School. I was all for this until the practice actually started. I FEAR CHANGE AND IT GIVES ME MUCH ANXIETY! Of course a new coach will do things different from what Hubby did but I thought that is what I wanted, now I'm not so sure. I guess all that matters is that Dax is having fun, and he is. I need to GET OVER IT.

Tel is going into the first grade but playing on the 3rd grade team (youngest team in the league). This week is just for conditioning, no pads or hitting. The coaches like to see how athletically inclined each player is during this week. Being one of the two first graders on the team, I didn't think Tel would be able to "do" much but learn a lot. I should have known better. This kid is a go getter. He says he will take over the world (well, he talks a lot about himself) and I am finding that he is willing to push himself to actually do it! Out of 25 first-third graders my little Telly was one of the fastest 9 kids (he was telling Dax and I all about it at dinner but we had our suspicions as to what really happened, when hubby got home from work he corroborated the story)!! Some of these kids are a good foot taller than him! He may talk big but I'm finding he is willing to live up to his VERY HIGH expectations of himself!

I am so excited for this season: Dax getting even better at the sport he loves and Tel learning the fundamentals of ONE of his fave sports. Good luck boys!!

Neglect?

2011-07-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm curious, is it child abuse or merely neglect that my youngest son has gone so long without bathing/showering that he has a huge ZIT and sweat rash on his cute little bum? I really don't know how I let this happen; well maybe I have an inkling. Me threatening, Tel giving me excuse, and then going about our busy day; next thing I know I have forgotten to enforce yet again.

"Tel you HAVE to shower today"

Day 1: "Why, I've been playing on the slip-n-slide all day. I'm clean, that's water"
Day 2: "I'm.....tooooo......tired.....I....will...in...the....mor......" (as he fell asleep)
Day 3: "I can't, me and the girls planned to do 'x' "
Day 4: he slept over at the girls' house
Day 5: SHOWER-----ZIT FOUND, SWEAT RASH, STINKY PIGS, DIRTY BOY

I had no idea boys are sooooo gross! My oldest boy was so good at bathing, he enjoyed it. I just don't know about this one.

Am I missing it?

2011-07-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing funny, again. Me whining, again.

This is day 2 of me sitting and being sad. When I turned on the TV yesterday morning for my daily dose of the news, the channel was on Nick. and Sponge Bob was on. It was an episode that came out when Dax was 4 or 5; pre-Tel years. I suddenly became so depressed. I remember sitting, doing nothing, just Dax and me....for hours. We would watch TV, movies, do puzzles, read, whatever. It has been years since he has wanted to just BE with me; he doesn't even have friends over...he goes "there". The pre-teen years do NOT ease you into the teenage years, it throws you into the teenage years. I feel like I've missed it. I have great memories: some written, some pictures, some in my head. I want it back. Would I have done anything different? No, I just didn't/don't want it to end.

Once Tel ate on his own, he never wanted to hang with me; he follows Dax around like a puppy. He idolizes his brother and I wouldn't want it any other way. Buuuuttttt.....if Dax hung out, then Tel would want to, too.

So many sleepless nights of babies who cannot be comforted; children who need someone tall to do everything make parents long for the time when the said child is more independent. I changed my mind, I don't long for it anymore. I miss it. I don't want another baby; I want MY babies.

What do you do to rid yourself of the post-post-post postpartum depression? Or am I alone in this?

It's all your fault

2011-05-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

Scribblenaut: a Nintendo DS game in which the child types in words to produce different items to use in said game (if you need any more explanation than that please speak with your 6 year old for I am without better understanding)

Tel: "Dad, spell shovel"

Hubby: "S-H-O-V-E-L"

----Tel types word into Scribblenaut game----

Tel: "Dad! YOU SPELLED IT WRONG!! You forgot the E before the L"

Hmmmmm....... how does one teach accountability.......

Senior Citizen

2011-04-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

Is it normal to feel extremely old and out of place at 33?

I had to go "on campus" yesterday to take in the final forms for my financial aid (aka L-O-A-N, that my income doesn't cover on its own......that proves my hubby is the best). I entered the building and immediately felt self conscious. I haven't felt this way IN YEARSSSSSSS; come on, I'm 33 I know who I am and am comfortable with it. But being around 17-22 year old will put insecure thoughts into ones mind quickly.

Its so stupid--I know this.

Thank God all my classes will either be online or after 5 when those young-uns will be gone creepin' on their newest boyfriend.

PS: this isn't a fishing expedition, I was just wondering if it is the "norm"?

$#it Boys Talk About

2011-04-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

Preface: my sons shower together. My youngest (Tel, 6) refuses to bathe anymore because my oldest (Dax, 11) only showers. But because a 6 year old boy isn't to be trusted to get clean during a solitary shower Dax is made the enforcer.

A conversation that Hubby and I overhead the boys having last night in the shower:

Tel: "You know there really is a bone in your wiener"

Dax: "Duh"

Tel: "You know what would suck? If you were walking down the road and tripped, fell on your wiener and broke it; then had to have a cast on it"

Dax: "Duuuuude, that would suck"

Graduate School

2011-04-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

Apparently when the Masters' admissions say that you need to write a 600 word persuasive essay as part of the application process they mean 6-0-0 WORDS......no more, no less.

I haven't written a formal paper in years and was pretty proud of my 739 word persuasive essay and my pride was shattered when I received the rubric today. Half of the points that were docked from my total score was due to the length.

I was happy to see that I only had 16 errors in 739 words (I did say I was rusty, right). Because I am constantly focused on the unattainable perfection I am upset about my low score even if I did make it into the Masters of Education program.

How do I shake the feeling of failure and bask in the light of accomplishment????? I have 1 1/2 years and a 20 chapter (approximately) thesis paper to help me realize perfection is probably NOT in the cards.

On another note, "purple-fessional" from the Tel dictionary/pronunciation guide ("professional" for the rest of us)

Spring Break (from sports)

2011-03-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

The boys wrapped up their 2011 wrestling season last weekend with the Enterprise tournament. Dax opted out; he is on the Junior Swim Team and they were having a party the same night (I don't blame him: party vs having your head slammed into a mat...hmmmmmm).

This season started different from last: Tel signed up, couldn't wait to do so and began with a BANG!! Dax was swimming and in the beginning of the season one practice conflicted with the other. Buuuuuttttt.....after Tel's first tournie in Parowan Dax got the itch and HAD to be signed up.

Dax competes against kids who have been wrestling since preschool, they know all the moves including the "cheap shots" that aren't seen by the refs. I have to hand it to Dax, he LOVES sports, he loves the competition, he loves the camaraderie, he just loves it. I know this because time and again of being pounded to the mat he would show up to practice the next week and sign up for the next tournament. He only won two matches this season, steadily took 4th place but he never gave up. This season I realized how strong and tough Dax is. He can give a good pounding (although he is still learning wrestling "moves") and he can take one without a tear. He would be red and bruised from head to toe and still stand up to shake his opponent's hand and walk over to shake their dad's and coaches hands. He is a humble person and I am so proud of that. It is harder to take a loss with your head held high than to win every match. Good job Dax----I know you'll get 'em next year!! (PS many times Dax had to wrestle 2 close friends, after the initial giggle they would wrestle like strangers and hug after the match. THAT is what makes a parent proud, not the win)

Tel is Tel's biggest fan. There is no need for anyone to brag or congratulate him, he does it well. He is really fast and strong, wrestling was easy for Tel. There wasn't a need for Tel to learn any more than a couple of basic wrestling moves to win. He placed first and second all season until the final tournie---HE PLACED 4TH (lost all three matches). He was pinned twice (which was unheard of) and lost one by points. He is NOT a good loser; his pride was bruised and he was mad as hell!! (It brought me back to high school days where I had to ride home HOURS in silence with a bull rider who didn't stay on....hmmmmmmm) We talked to him about his attitude on our way home and hopefully he will be more humble in the future. I do have to say that because he had never experienced a loss he didn't know what was "acceptable". I'm not making excuses but as a parent it is hard to teach a 6 year old hypothetical situations and have them stick. Tel is an awesome athlete and I can't wait to see him excel in the future----GOOD JOB TEL!!

Dax still has swim team but we don't start spring sports (Tel does T-ball) for a month or so.......what to do with all my extra time????

Guest Speaker

2011-03-04T10:00:00.001-08:00

My Psychology classes just ended their unit on the brain (my most unfave; physical science and I do NOT get along) and they learned quite a bit. I wanted to do something "different" for them to apply their knowledge so I thought "hmmmmmm who do I know with damage to their brain" AHA!! My wonderful sister!!

She who used to be outgoing, she who used to love "doing", she who had zero disabilities and was unique based on her LOUD personality. She who needs purpose.

1st period was a success! The kids sat quietly totally engrossed in her long, sad story. They had awesome questions and Dayna answered wonderfully. She told her story and only teared up twice---way less than if it were me up there. She comes back in a little while to speak to my 4th period and I know she will do even better then (the what-ifs will have vanished, now she's old hat)

Thank you Dayna and sadly, thank you tumor and stroke because we have gained a lot through these trials that we wouldn't have otherwise. It hasn't killed us, it must be making us stronger (Dayna for sure)

NFL Fan

2011-01-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

This past weekend was "Wildcard Weekend". For those of you who aren't die-hard NFL watchers it is the first of the playoffs toward the Superbowl. I am a HUUUUUUGE New Orleans Saints fan, not because they won last year's Superbowl but because, until half of their starters got injured, they were a team-team; meaning they all worked together and there wasn't ONE player who "made" the wins. I am also an admirer of Peyton Manning and Michael Vick. Manning is a "true champion" as hubby coined, I cannot phrase it better. He is an awesome ball player, humble, and funny as hell (remember the commercials during 2009 holiday season----the Christmas gifts......LMAO). Also, Vick has made some HUGE mistakes in his life but he has shown that he knows it and is working his ass off to prove that the league should never regret letting him play again. This man can throw amazing passes and, when under the gun, will run the ball as well as any RB. Unfortunately I now think I am a jinx, and if I were a NFL player this is the letter I would draft to me, the NFL fan:

Dear Ms Hirschi,

Although we love to hear about our fans and the dedication that they have for watching and cheering on the teams, we would rather you not be a fan of ours anymore. We believe that you may be bad luck, a jinx perhaps.

During the first playoff weekend we were slated to play teams who could not, and should never have, held a candle to our playing abilities. We played tough football during this game, the score was close from beginning to end---which makes for a good game to watch; normally. When the opposing team took the lead and kept the lead we knew it was from nothing more than you, Ms Hirschi, the jinxed fan who yells obscenities at the television screen, wears fan t-shirts, drinks from team cups, and prays for a miracle win.

We should never have lost this game, it wasn't statistically feasible. YOU BLEW IT FOR US! It is without apology that we ask you to NEVER cheer for us again. Please choose another team to cheer for; the Seahawks, Packers, or the Jets perhaps.

Farewell,
The New Orleans Saints........or.........
Peyton Manning.........or.........
Michael Vick..........

A Stroke at 31......

2011-01-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

All the while growing up I was told to watch my sister and if she got hurt or into any trouble I had to answer as much as she did because I am the elder of the two and I was supposed to watch out for her. As an adult I have been yelled at by my mother and sister for not leaving my two cents out in regard to my sister's life----how do you turn off years and years of "being in charge" overnight? Now here I am again......where do I fall now?

I cannot wrap my head around it: my beautiful, funny (more like hilarious for those of you who knew her before the surgeries), fun sister had to have surgeries 16 and 17 (I think....more than 15 less than 20 at this point---all within 6 1/2 years) on her brain. Her body fails to circulate spinal fluid correctly so it pools in the lower region of her skull causing her brain to run out of room and be SQUISHED! The doc put a shunt in which was supposed to do the circulation but shunt after shunt something fails to work properly. The first surgery was to replace the non-working shunt then something went awry. I don't know why (info hasn't been real clear), but the doc felt she needed a CAT scan and it showed that the new shunt wasn't working and that there was bleeding in her brain. Into surgery she went again---ON THE SAME F-ING DAY!!!!! They stopped the bleeding and got the shunt working buuuuuuuutttttt we are now told that it was a stroke she had. Her speech is very slurred, her memory worse than before, she cannot walk and has to re-learn how to use her right leg and arm. The worst part of the whole thing is that her mind is there enough to know that she has lost her mind.

I just want to crawl into bed and never come out. This is my only sibling; my best friend and worst enemy. We have fought with deadly weapons and we have laughed til we've peed our pants.

She is not GONE, the doc said she should be able to recover, somewhat but it is based on every individual case so statistics mean shit.

If you pray, please do so for her. If you believe in "good thoughts" please do so for her. I'm trying to stay positive.......

Christmas Traditions

2010-12-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

This post is probably more for me; for when I have dementia or alzheimers and I can't remember what we did when my boys were young.

We have adopted many Christmas traditions from Jesse's and my families but as a little family of our own we have our own as well. I LOVE Christmas time!! Like I was telling my Grandma last night "I would be just as happy on Christmas Day if no presents were opened" -- meaning the sight of the gifts under a decorated tree is more exciting to me than the unwrapping. Why is it that for one month out of the 12 people are more generous, more courteous, and more family oriented than the other 11? No need to analyze I guess, just enjoy.

Here is the list of Christmas traditions we have:

Black Friday shopping with my mom (and sister and Thang if they come; but mostly its my mom and me who are the troopers)

Putting up our tree the weekend after Thanksgiving (two trees actually: due to my OCD I have a tree I decorate BY MYSELF with certain decor, in our entry we put a smaller tree that the boys decorate. This year I wanted my kids to experience the hunt and cutting down of a real tree. Jesse and I enjoyed it more but at least they can look back on it)

I have my boys pick out one ornament each every year (hopefully it reflects what they are interested in that year). I write their name and the year on it. By the time they are adults they should each have a tree-full of decorations. Their tree is decorated with their ornaments. Jesse said their wives will probably put the kabosh on using the childhood ornaments; therefore they will always be mine :)

We drive around Leigh Hill in Cedar to look at all of the Christmas lights. There is a house up there (you all know what I'm talking about) that looks brighter than Las Vegas Strip. Each year we are more impressed than the last. Jesse is more impressed with the amount of extension cords there are running across the driveway.

I listen to Christmas music in my car from Thanksgiving to Christmas Day. Jesse hates it, the boys L-L-LOVE IT!!

We put together a gingerbread house. The boys eat most of the candy, Jesse tries to make it as structurally sound as possible, and I just revel in the activity.

I make TONS of Christmas goodies to give to friends and family. The boys help with the sugar cookie cutting out, and of course, the taste testing. Jesse demands an individual batch of "Addiction" for himself. If you haven't tasted it, you are missing out!

We are SO lucky: Santa visits our house (PERSONALLY) before Christmas to find out what the boys want. Most years their cousins are here to visit with Santa too.

On Christmas Eve the boys always get to unwrap 1 gift. So far they have unwrapped pajamas EVERY year ;)

We spend Christmas Eve with Jesse's family. The BIG family (Jesse's aunts, uncles, cousins) have dinner together, play games like bingo and "Christmas Toys", and the kids dress up as the nativity as someone reads the Christmas story from the Bible. After the BIG family party, we meet at Jesse's parent's house and have a gift exchange with Jesse's parents, brothers, and their families.

On Christmas morning the kids aren't allowed into the front room until I am ready with the video camera and Jesse with the still shot. THEY HATE THE WAIT!! But its all documented; every single year.

They enjoy what Santa left for them and then we take turn unwrapping gifts----one person at a time so that we all see the reaction and what they got. Stockings are saved for last. Some years we have breakfast before all the gifts are unwrapped, then it seems like the morning lasts forever!!

In the afternoon we go to my parents house to exchange gifts and visit and for dinner we go to my Grandparent's house to gather with all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. We have a buffet of sandwiches and salads, exchange gifts, and just spend quality family time together. There are A LOT of us in a small, small area but we wouldn't have it any other way.

Toothfairy

2010-11-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Last week the hubby relayed an incident that happened between Tel and him:

Tel had fallen asleep with me in my bed so hubby thought it would be easier to spend the night in the boys' room with Dax. The next morning Tel went down the hall to wake Dax & Dad for school. Dax got right up but Dad is a slow riser. When hubby finally opened his eyes he saw that Tel had been standing there for some time inspecting all of his teeth with his index finger. Hubby thought that even for Tel this was strange....

"What are you doing buddy?"--hubby

"Just checking to see if I lost a tooth"--Tel

"Why would you think you lost a tooth?"--hubby

"Because when I came down the hall to get you guys it was dark and I tripped over Quin (our dog) and then there was a penny on the ground"--Tel

"Did you hit your mouth?"--hubby

"No. It was probably Quin"--said Tel as he left the room to eat his breakfast.

That is the Devil!!

2010-05-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

....is the phrase I have coined for anything and everything that I don't have willpower to resist, the temptation is far greater than my inner voice and the outcome is never a good one. As I sit here eating the last Cherry PopTart, I reflect on how I normally squash any attempt made by either of my sons or hubbie to buy them because THEY ARE THE DEVIL! The little shiny, tin foil wrapping has you at failing from the get go. If you open it, you have to eat both of the tarts! What the hell will you do with the left over one? So you toast them both but as you wait the few minutes you decide to glance at the nutritional information on the side of the box. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F-ING KIDDING ME------ ONE SERVING IS ONE TART AND ONE SERVING IS OVER 200 CALORIES!!!! That is an entire meal and you can be damn sure I am not going to be full after these two yummy cherry frosted tarts. Because of this reminder of my weak, weak, self; I will dedicate this post to listing all (or all I can think of at the moment) of the things I consider "the devil".

1. Pepsi: fully loaded, no diet shit. Soooo soooo good. I love you Pepsi and yet the empty calories and ability to have me bloated for days prevents me from drinking you. But, if I am at any eatery and they serve Pepsi I am incapable of option B

2. Blue Hawaiians: the frozen or stir variety, I don't care which, are so delish! They make me immediately feel as if I am sitting on a beach or at the least poolside in the midst of summer. Yet, the sugar in the Rum and the artificial coloring/additives of the Blue Raspberry mix make for a very ugly morning after. Maybe I should take the blame, I am an adult, but it is not my inability to stop at 2-3 it is the additives that make me so very very sick (in the morning). But I cannot learn and I continue to fall to the temptation, time and again.

3. Little Dove Chocolate Squares: need I say more?

4. Tanning Beds: nothing tops the feeling of having a golden glow, or the euphoric feelings brought about by the artificial UV light mid-winter. I have come to the realization that I might be tanorexic but I don't place blame on myself much (did you know that) so it is the tanning bed that temps me and is the tanning bed I fall from grace before.

5. Cocoa Pebbles: I'm not much of a cereal eater and milk, hardly ever!!! But if my child chooses the cocoa pebbles, all is lost. I will sit and eat 2-3 bowls in one sitting. Not because I am hungry but because they ARE THE DEVIL! So yummy and so chock full of sugar. Too much for me to say no to.

There are probably more items that I deem "Devilness" but I am at loss of what they are. Next time you fall to the temptation of whatever, remember it is not you, it is THE DEVIL!!

Earth Day

2010-04-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

My favorite time of day is the early, early morning when I can sit and enjoy my coffee while watching the news. On the best of days, no one else is around----this seldom happens. Tel is my early riser; 6:30 am is sleeping in for him. I cringe when he shares the news time with me in the morning (I know that one day I will look back and cherish those times, wishing they had never ended) because Tel talks A LOT. He is very curious and VERY intelligent so when his curiosity is peaked he isn't satisfied with the normal answers you would give a five year old, he presses for more information.

Today is Earth Day and each segment of my morning news channel talked about it. Of course Tel wanted to know what Earth Day was and hubby let him know that it was a day to "celebrate the Earth". Tel wanted to know HOW you are supposed to celebrate Earth Day and he wasn't satisfied with the list of ways we gave him until one of the ways was something HE could do TODAY (recycle, no. plant a tree, no. limit shower time, no. drive less, no. use minimal lights, no. don't use plastic water bottles, no. pick up trash on the side of the road, yes.)

Tel decided we would pick up trash on the side of the road. After dinner Tel, Dax (after his kicking and screaming refusal to do so), and I went to "celebrate Earth Day". Me in my naivete thought that 2 big, black yard trash garbage bags would be plenty. We didn't even make it half way up and down what we call "the lane" in our small town. THERE WAS TONS OF TRASH!!! Tel wanted to come home and get more bags and finish; had Earth Day not been on a school night we would have done just that, but we just couldn't.

Dax ended up enjoying the project and let me know, while we were out there, that he saw the need and was glad we did it. Tel is already a conscientious person (always preaching about "litter bugs", reminding me to get my reusable grocery bags, reusing plastic bottles, etc) and I think that he will always find "earth friendly" activities and alternatives throughout his life.

I'm glad Tel was there this morning to learn about Earth Day and pressure us into "celebrating" it. I'm curious, how did you celebrate your Earth Day?

Does no one else notice?

2010-04-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

Does no one else notice....

the hair on the floor large enough that it may grow legs soon?
the two hampers full of clothes?
the pile of folded jeans on the couch?
the bills haven't been sent yet?
a person cannot step foot inside of the boys' playroom, literally?
the dog poop hasn't been picked up in days?
the dried mud out of shoe tread in the house?
the piles of swept up, but not sucked up, dirt in each room?
the soap scum in the shower?
the caulking that needs to be replaced around the tub?
the holes in the wall that need to be filled before they can be painted?
the repairs in the wall that haven't been painted?
the shoes in every room but bedrooms?
the lights left on in rooms that are no longer occupied?
the toothpaste that has become mortar in the sink?
the crumbs that are drawing ants?
that something could grow on what is stuck to the interior of the microwave?
the copious amount of tools inhabiting my laundry room?
the nail clippings in the sink? (I get my nails done in a salon)
the urine on the back of and behind the toilet? (I sit to urinate)

I spent the day cleaning and I mean the ENTIRE DAY and I wasn't able to rid all of these items that are tormenting me. I grew up in a home that was cleaned daily--by the inhabitants not a service. I feel so overwhelmed, hubbie tries to help but his idea of clean is to straighten up. The filth is never-ending and I am incapable of doing nothing and relaxing while I know that my house is D I R T Y! Yes, I am aware of my OCD. Have a great week and happy cleaning!

Gotta Document So I Neva' Forget

2010-03-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

Thought I would share a couple of gems out of the mouths of my babes:

We are trying to get Tel to do his own wiping after using the restroom; he is almost 5 and will start Kindergarten next year. When Jesse was beckoned with the "I'm done, come wipe me" he entered with ammo, "what are you going to tell the teachers at kindergarten registration when they ask you if you can wipe yourself?". Tel replied "I'm going to tell them my neck isn't long enough to see if I got all the poop". OF COURRRRRRSE.

When Dax realized he would be continuing piano lessons, football, swimming in the summer, Cub Scouts, and now wrestling he was upset stating "I have NO free time, I need to cut something out". I said "you bet, no more football it is". His obvious reply was "I was thinking no more piano". Duh! I knew what he wanted to nix but piano is non-negotiable.

Tel started a nightly tradition: My mom always told my sister and I "good night, sweet dreams" when she would tuck us in at night and I continued it with my sons but Tel responded with a line that we have now added "Good night, I'll see you in the morning, Sweet Dreams, and SILLY NIGHTMARES (pronounced night-meres)

I'm Thankful

2010-02-21T12:47:00.001-08:00

After reading my last blog too many times I realize that I sound ungrateful and that I am NOT. So to try and undo the done, I will devote today's blog to what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for a husband who has an excellent work ethic who not only believes a man should always work to support his family but that a man must continue to work at a shitty job if that is what is necessary.

I am also thankful for my husband being an excellent dad: he has been hands on from the moment my boys breathed air and lives for his daddy-son time.

I am thankful for parents who love me unconditionally and who influenced me to have everything in life I wish for.

I am thankful for Jesse's parents for raising such a good man. They taught him that the "extras" in life cost and in order to pay for them you must work, they taught him the importance of doing everything in your power to be at your children's "functions" and they taught him to be kind and compassionate.

I am thankful for being able to work in a career that I love!!

I am thankful for two beautiful, healthy, smart, kind, and loving boys.

I am thankful for food in my house, a roof over my head, and a dependable car to transport my family.

I am thankful for Jesse's mom and the decision she made to quit her job of 20 years to stay home and watch grand babies. I am also thankful for her willingness to help us out whenever we need no matter what it is; there are many times that transporting children needs to be done while I am to be in a meeting, etc.

I am thankful for grandparents who had a very large hand in raising me; they are/were the most understanding and non-judgmental people I have ever known.

I am thankful to live in the town in which I grew up; I can feel safe knowing my children can run and play without the worries of many cities/towns. I know that no matter where they are in this town, someone who knows them can see them. They may not be as thankful when they are teens; I know that from first hand knowledge.

I am thankful for snow because it is necessary for my garden to grow; yet I am more thankful for the warm sun that helps as well.

I am thankful for good friends who are always there when I need them without strings or expectations.

Now, I don't feel as selfish as I sounded. I hope that I have redeemed myself :)
Until next time.......

Feeling Sorry for Myself & Procrastination, or is it depression?

2010-02-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

I've been snappy to my children all day, for no apparent reason. I didn't go to my friends cardio class this morning like I normally do and avoided her phone call when I'm sure she was trying to find out where I was. I've done the dishes and washed a load of clothes; but one sits awaiting my return for it to dry on the line. Today is the Saturday of a three day President's Day, weekend which includes Valentines; I should be elated but I'm not. I've sat and watched vehicle after vehicle drive by with only front seat riders, no children, heading south while my husband sleeps away. I have barely gotten dressed, half-assed combed my hair and have NOT brushed my teeth.

You are asking what do all of these have to do with one another and why the hell is she telling us about it; the answer is a question actually. Am I just feeling sorry for my self, procrastinating like I sometimes do or am I suffering from a bout of depression? They are all likely candidates: I could be falling into a self-involved spiral and I have been known to take a lazy day but then there is that family history of clinical depression. How do I know which it is? Who cares.

I wish my husband had a normal job where we could have "date nights" and spend weekends with one another. I say this on the cusp of a rumored lay off at his place of employment, how can I be so self absorbed.

I want my house to be "finished" and pristine clean as I once made it but where to begin, I get more and more upset about the unfinished parts as I move from room to room. Again, if said hubby had a said normal hour/shift, more work he starts at home would be finished.

I didn't go to the gym today because the workout I do on Saturdays is so strenuous that I lack energy to do the deep clean I had envisioned for today and now I sit with my house a mess and not because I was working my ass off, pun intended.

So if the feelings of sadness continue for the weekend is it depression or is it because the weekend of Valentines Day has been commercialized so badly that if one does not receive the commercialized weekend one believes she is being shorted. I don't want roses, they die. I'd rather have the money--- I really would just like the one on one time. Now it has come to a head, writing will do that. Indeed I believe I have answered my own question; it is feeling sorry for myself and it will probably continue until Tuesday because then V Day will have been dead and gone and I will go back to not having spontaneous romance and unrealistic "surprises" shoved down my throat by every television station across the land AND I won't be witnessing couples leaving town, just the two of them. They will be leaving town singularly heading to work and I will be here, enjoying my day off.

Thanks for letting me vent. Have a great loooooooong weekend!

Status Update

2010-02-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

I seem to be able to update the "happenings" in my life on both my Facebook and MySpace (yes, I still MySpace; I have a cousin stationed in South Korea and this is our only way of communicating) but have a difficult time updating my blog. I wonder if the status update on social networking sites is more approachable because I am not pressured into writing something of length or depth whereas here I am. Due to the status update habit I have, I will devote this entire post to just that.

I became a football addict this year and my fave team made it to and won Superbowl 44. Go Saints!

Remodeling and refurbishing bedrooms! Almost done and they look GREAT!!

Feeling like an incompetent teacher as of late; nothing to warrant it just me being me.

We have caught EVERY illness that has gone around this year; lots of days out of school for the boys good thing they are geniuses!

Tel knows all of his letters (capitals and lowercase) and their sounds--- Kindergarten will be a breeze!

Dax is still awesome at school; reads on a high school level and understands it too. Next year is his last in elementary.

Jesse and Dax's PineWood Derby car took 2nd place; way to go Cub Scouts.

Planning our first camping trip for the end of March; cannot wait.

Have been away from the gym for two weeks because I have been sick (and both children); went yesterday and my calves are really feeling it.

Rumors about NASA being put on hold are making me nervous about Jesse's job security. So far we are the only ones in our family not being hit by the economy downfall. Praying daily.

That was SO much easier than really telling anything. If you are really interested in the outcome of any of my status updates, comment and I will elaborate. Otherwise, have a great week and I hope I have something of substance to write about soon.

Trying to be "back"

2010-01-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

I haven't had much to share in a VERY long time and the more time that passed the harder it was to think of anything to post. I am now going to make a point of posting something weekly, whether it entertains or not. Today I will begin with something that is hard to ignore: Snow. I have close to 3 feet of snow from 2, count them 2, snow storms in one week. Snow is great from afar and on Christmas other than that it is wet, cold, and melts into messiness. As a child, like most children, I loved snow. There were about 5 reasons I loved snow and there are equally as many reasons why I despise it now:

1. My favorite part of snow was being the first "being" to walk through a fresh snow fall. I don't know why, I just got so tickled to be the first to plant my footsteps into the white canvas. I usually would write my name with my path.

2. Sledding. We have great hills in my home town and not a lot of town money to afford snow removal let alone salt. The hills were great!

3. Building snowmen. Mine never got really big because it is a lot of work! The base ball usually turned into the body as a whole because I would be exhausted and only lift a small ball to set atop as the head.

4. Twice growing up the school bus didn't make it to my town because of the weather and because of those times I prayed, and truly believed it would become a regular occurrence, each time it snowed it wouldn't get here and we would have a 'snow day'!!

5. Shoveling the walk. I think this was like number one: being the first to make a mark. I would really shovel to nowhere because my dad would beat me to the actual walkway.

The reasons I despise the snow or the above mentioned activities:

1. Being the first to walk in snow means I will have to bundle up to walk to nowhere and all that will really happen is snow getting up my pant-leg or down my boots--- WHY BOTHER

2. I do have fun sledding once or twice a year but anymore than that would land me in a chiropractor's office for the remaining 8 months. My tailbone just can't take the jumps and my arms can't take the emergency rolls anymore.

3. As I said, I was never really good at snowmen and tried to build one for Dax once (and failed) my ego is better off without the humiliating looks I get from my children

4. I don't ride a bus anymore instead I get to drive in the god-forsaken shit. I am not as scared of doing so as I once was (I would have panic attacks---SERIOUSLY!) I am now more afraid of the idiots who think they know it all and end up wrecking and putting the rest of us in danger.

5. Ok, I still love to shovel the walk and most times I am the first out there. Maybe it goes back to making the first mark with a twist of social acceptance: its normal for an adult to shovel snow but not randomly walk in the yard in a path that spells my name.

I do enjoy a good, heavy, white-out snow storm when I am home, do not have to be anywhere for a couple of days and have a bottomless coffee pot with sugar-free french vanilla creamer....that sounds pretty good right now: COME ON SNOW STORM!!

Just a Quickie

2009-06-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

Thought that would intrigue you but I am meaning literally, quick post to let you know I am still alive. Thought I would give you a quick run down on my summer thus far:
--Dax has been working for my dad, cement work. Very hard and dirty work but he has been doing it. Up at 7, working 8-4 and making $5 an hour (I didn't make that til I was a freshman in college). He has earned enough to pay for 1/2 of football fees, put some away for Disneyland and school clothes, and bought a $50 Wii game he has been drooling over but I refused to purchase. He was also enrolled in a visual arts camp which he finished today. The finale was a professional looking art exhibit featuring all of their work. He loved the camp and is looking forward to next year.

--Tel has come to love summer "cavation". Because last year was his first year of 'school' (3 year old preschool) he appreciates the not having to shower and go to bed before it is dark and waking before it is light. He has been doing swimming lessons again this year and is amazing. If he could get the turn your head to breathe thing down he would graduate to level 4 which is made up of 8-10 year olds!! He is a little fish.

--I went to Oklahoma at the end of May to see my cousin graduate from Army Bootcamp. I was an emotional wreck. This cousin is more like a first child for me: I baby sat him since he was one week old, took part in his potty training, taught him to tie his shoes, took him to see all the kiddo movies when he was in elementary, talked to teachers when he was struggling in school, provided the automobile and the bravery to go to Junior Prom, was the "parent" at senior pictures, and helped him purchase his first car. I love him so much and he has grown strides while there; literally and figuratively. He is easy 5-6 inches taller and weighs 10 more pounds. The Oklahoma City Memorial is beautiful and if you ever get the chance go and see it. Very humbling and heartbreaking. I was very surprised at how green it is in the OK city, Lawton area. I did a lot of sight seeing, including finding Geronimo's grave (way cool for a nerd like me). I hope to go back.

--Our family vacay this year is a week in southern California. We will spend two days in Disneyland and one day on the beach (2 days for leisurely travel-- I love finding interesting things along the way). The boys are excited, Hubbie is not so much. Have to let you know how he does with the traffic given the fact he has very little patience for anything.

-- I got a new car. Have been bugging Hubbie about a new car for awhile and he gave me the green light last week. I am now cruising a white with grey trim Chevy Traverse. Captain seats in second row, satellite radio, Onstar, all wheel drive, and all the storage room I could imagine!! I am in HEAVEN.

--One last thing: I am an idiot. I periodically have my hair colored. I know shocking considering my young age and lack of grey hair....not. When I do so I have my eyebrows tinted too, because with age they have lightened, no I will not admit to them going grey they are just lighter. Before the appointment I tweeze and trim to shaped them nicely so that the tint will look 'natural'. As I approached the middle of my left brow I realized I had forgotten to put the guard on my eyebrow trimmer and was in fact SHAVING MY FRICKIN EYEBROW! All that came to mind and mouth was oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! So for the past 2 weeks I have been penciling in a false brow so that I did not look like some frat party gone wrong. So next time you see an old pic of Vanilla Ice (am I aging myself...) remember to always have your trimmer guard on before you go to trim.

--Ok not so much a quickie. Have a great summer.

Top 10 List of why I haven't been blogging

2009-03-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

These are the top 10 ways I have been prevented to blog in the last month; enjoy!!

10. Brother took his horse home, my horse got lonely and broke out of corral. Went looking for companionship and cut her nose; hellaciously. Feeling guilty and stress over vet bill prevented me.
9. Hubbie has been on unforgiving schedule for 3 months. Single parenthood and missing just seeing hubbie prevented me.
8. Spring has, sort of, sprung! No explanation needed.
7. Spring means cleaning out corral. Transferring about 3 truck-loads of manure to garden spot to prep veggie garden prevented me.
6. NEW. STUDENTS. EVERY. WEEK. Catching them up in the middle of a quarter has prevented me.
5. Final assignment is due in teacher training class. Feeling guilty that computer is on and I'm not doing my homework has prevented me.
4. Tel turned 4 this month. Planning and having his party prevented me.
3. Dax had his school talent show today. Motivating (yelling at) him to practice his piece has prevented me.
2. Dogs were playing a little too rambunctiously and my Shih-tzu got hurt. Vet had to remove his eye. That guilt and vet bill has REALLY stressed me which in turn prevented me.

AND THE #1 REASON I HAVE BEEN PREVENTED TO BLOG IS...
I have been too lazy to do so, haven't found anything of interest to share, have been glued to worthless reality TV (Housewives, Biggest Loser, Dancing with the Stars, and god forgive me, Bridget's Beaches), have been enjoying just reading every other blog, and yes I am an excuse giver. Sorry.

LIVVVVIIIIIDDDD and bored

2009-03-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

I am livid! How am I to spend my lunch hour now??? My school computer filter has now been programmed to block Twitter. What is next blogger? Oh please god no.... I will go insane!

This n That

2009-02-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

Before I begin I will truthfully tell you that I wanted to title this post "thises and thats" (sp?) but because I didn't know the proper spelling of a made up word I decided against it. Lord knows I don't want total strangers judging me by my misspelled made up word titles.

Tel update: doing well in school, wants me to teach him how to read the kindergarten "sight words" (for all of you post kindergarten mommies you know what I'm talking about for the rest of you: it doesn't really matter he's 3 and wants to read), and let me in on a well known fact about Star Wars the other day. As I was spraying his hair with water to begin the comb down of the unruly thick curly blond hair he sports, he let me know "there are no combs on Star Wars". My reply "oh no? Then how does Anakin comb his hair?" "He doesn't and the only water on Star Wars isn't in bottles, it is caca water in a pond". He did not fight me on the hair combing that morning like he normally does, instead he was changing his battle tactics--civil discussion. Except I believe his strategy was to make me feel as though I was less than the occupants of Star Wars and recognize that if I wanted to measure up to their "coolness" I would have to fore go the comb and spray bottle of water. Hmmmm.... Now as he shows me a Mr Potato head dressed like a Clone Trooper but with the huge white Mr Potato Head teeth underneath the mask he lets me know that no it is not "silly" as I replied when he showed it to me, "it is awesome". I am finding that all of my taste must be in my mouth; according to a budding Einstein 3 year old.

Dax update: still top student in his class but just got over being suspended from the school bus. I am not an advocate of fighting, I am teaching my sons that the bigger man can walk away when they are in a tense situation, yet if you get punched hit back just so they know you cannot be walked on. There is a new boy (5th grader) in town who has been picking on (physically and verbally) every younger boy on the bus. When Dax brought home the paper that stated he was suspended for three days it also stated that I must go to the bus garage to view the security video. I did because deep down, even though he said that he did hit the other boy, I thought there must be a mistake. Dax is such a mild mannered child, one who has stuck up for other kids, verbally, one who comforts the sad and definitely not one to pummel a child. The video showed a group of 5 boys, one of them being Dax, sitting at the back of the bus. You could clearly hear the verbal assaults coming from 3 of the boys and muffled remarks coming from the new boy and honest to God Dax wasn't saying a word: just smiling and nodding. All of a sudden he flips his face toward the new boy and yells in this voice I have never heard before or after "Shut the eff up you shithead"; then he leaps diagonally across the aisle of the bus and repeatedly punches the new boy OVER AND OVER AND OVER, WIDE SWINGS, SOLID HITS until a friend literally gets underneath Dax and pushes him away. I did not know my son swears but am happy that he will not say "the bomb".....yet; eff is good enough for him right now. I don't know what the new boy said, I do know of the many things he has said and done to others which are not nice but nothing bad enough for me to consider physical harm a solution. I was so upset that the only thing that would come to mind when speaking to Dax was "you have become a thug". NIIIIICE!

Me update: going to spin tonight, haven't been for over a week because hubbie has been working every night it was scheduled. Scared to go, know it will hurt. ...think bikini...think bikini...think bikini...

Days Off

2009-02-05T10:02:00.000-08:00

I was late to work today--no really late like I had students walk in right behind me. But today I didn't care to be on time in fact if I knew it would be easy I would've called in sick or maybe QUIT! Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love my husband even more for putting up with me going back to school to get an entirely different degree and racking up thousands in student loans to follow my "dream" of teaching. But.... this morning I woke up well before anyone else (my boys are natural EARLY risers), ate breakfast in silence, and read a magazine while I drank a cup of coffee (I will explain the new me drinking coffee in a later blog). On my second cup Tel woke up and joined me in the kitchen and we just sat and randomly talked for a long time--too long, I was now running late. I picked him up and took him to wake up dad because I needed to get ready for work. I then started my makeup and here comes Tel. "Mom lets just go sit down and visit some more" That was it: I QUIT! I wanted to just sit with him until he bored of my conversation, I wanted to spend that time just the two of us. Dax was able to have that with me, he was first and I was going to school, not working-- a lot more at home time. I couldn't sit and visit with Tel anymore; I had to finish and get out the door in order to be in my classroom before students. Nothing has made me second guess working before and summer vacation reinforces my desire to do so. But my 3 year old baby boy, with his golden hair and big blue eyes, made me wish we could live comfortably on one salary. And when I get home he will probably be the pestering little shit he normally is: IQ of a 6 year old (argues points, backs them up with reason), ability to tease like a 9 year old (wants to do just what brother does), but whiny like the 3 years he is (not quite 9 and very sad is isn't because it isn't fair Dax does all this "cool" stuff).

Spin Class

2009-01-30T13:30:00.000-08:00

A friend of a friend, who is a neighbor, decided to purchase numerous "spinning" stationary bikes and start her own class. I thought I'd do it because the classes are held at night and maybe I'd scare the shit out of my body and it would, in fear, harden up with MUSCLE, LEAN MUSCLE.

I went to my first class last night. It kicked my ass. There were only 5 of us there, one being a friend of my hubbies who jacked his knee up a while back and needs some physical therapy. The other three were young girls and I've decided I don't like young girls anymore--as long as it comes to working out.

They all were able to keep up with the instructor, whereas I could not. Two of them didn't sweat a drop, whereas my towel was drenched as were both of my sleeves and the rest of my shirt and probably the entire crotch of my pants but I didn't give a shit about that -- I hurt. Yes, I know that it is jealousy and not hatred but it is much easier to say "I hate you" rather than "I wish I were like you". Easier on the ego anyway.

Goals

2009-01-26T17:04:00.000-08:00

I have set goals, finally, for myself regarding the whole healthy living schtuff. I typed them all cutesy, printed them on BRIGHT orange paper, and posted them on the door of my armoire.
They are as follows:
1. Do at least 20 push ups a day--working up to 100
2. Do at least one set of an ab exercise per day
3. Ask myself if I stayed true to the "no sugar except on weekends" rule I have declared
4. Other Goals:

Here is where I proceeded to cut and paste picks of body parts that I covet. Yes, I do know that it is unhealthy to set goals to look like someone else and it is much better to love oneself but I need something visual. I chose a picture of Kelly Ripa's arm (fyi: there are no heads on these pictures, just the body part I am coveting), Carrie Underwood's legs, and Britney Spears' tummy. It is a recent pic of Britney so I KNOW if she can make herself look like that after 2 kids and a mental breakdown, so. can. I!

Mock me if you will but I think this will help me because before this I was a hamster in a wheel: I went to the gym, watched what I ate, watched nothing change, and was depressed that I saw no change. But I never had goals. Maybe this will be the key.

I don't know if I'd call it progress???

2009-01-23T12:53:00.001-08:00

I went to the gym today with hubbie so all weights no cardio (contemplating going running right now). I can curl 20 lb dumbbells, do other pully things for bi & triceps at around 35-40 lbs, and do dips with only having to remove 90 lbs from my weight (cool machine that lets you do it=equal opportunity shtuff). My arms are nowhere near "cut" rather they still have dimples and even when I flex there is barely any muscle. I don't know what to do. When I started going to the gym on a regular basis, about 1.5 years ago, I could only curl 10-12 lbs and I didn't attempt the other machines. So I have made progress in the strength category; I just don't know when I will be able to put the smack down on someone to show my progress. Because you know I spend most of my free time beating the shit out of people to show how strong I am. On a side note: I did come home, eat a healthy lunch, and follow it up with two slices of homemade bread with butter. Hmmm... I just don't know why I have dimply arms...

Slacker that I am

2009-01-22T16:05:00.000-08:00

So I was able to leave work an hour early today because of a scheduled power outage. Instead of going to the gym for an unplanned yet well needed visit, I high tailed it for home. When I arrived I was pleasantly surprised with 3 loaves of homemade WHITE bread and a half eaten ginormous hershey kiss. Yea! I ate 3 thick pieces of bread, with butter (mind you I cut butter out of my diet almost a year ago) and finished the kiss. Oh sweet lord above it was GOOOOOD. Now I am sad. Not only did I not work out, I ate about a million calories more than normal. What is my problem? I need counseling for this....this....compulsive eating binges. Other than being totally burned out about work (on my much needed vacays I worked on presentations for teaching teachers) and the lack of sunshine in my area for a month (yes, I am affected by Seasonal Affective Disorder) I don't know why I do it. I don't always have "bad" feelings when I binge: sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm just bored. I'm looking for suggestions for solving my problem or at least someone to say "its ok, there is always tomorrow to work that ass off". Oh, I forgot to let you know that my goal is to look super hot by the 1st week of May. My hubbie has an annual work golf tournie that we go to and basically it is all the wives comparing one another by the pool as we sip (I use the term sip very loosely) on Blue Hawaiians. I want to be the hated one this year. What a goal huh? Well at least I have set one.

Bragging Rights

2009-01-22T06:45:00.000-08:00

I know that I said I was now going to focus on gym related posts but I feel the need to shout this from every roof top:
I received a phone call from Dax's teacher yesterday, the school got the SAT scores back. Dax scored in the. top. 10% of. the. nation! The school is going to recognize his efforts at their assembly on Friday. YEA DAX!!

New Direction, or rather "a" direction

2009-01-21T13:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted for awhile and am at a loss of what to write about because it has been so long. I have decided that I would dedicate this blog to my experiences at the gym and the whole getting healthy, losing weight thing. Today I went to a "power pump" class, the same class I attend every Monday and Wednesday that I don't have to work. She teaches on Fridays too but every day is dedicated to a specific area of the body and Fridays are chest. They do a shitload of push ups, not girl pushups, boy pushups. NOT FOR DARCIE! Today was shoulders, legs, and abs. I think I should just throw in the towel now. It seems as if everyday it gets harder to keep up with the instructor, not easier. Doesn't it make more sense that if you are becoming stronger and more fit you would be able to "do" more. Not so much. I don't want to sound catty but there are a couple of girls who come to class who are pushing 230 and they can keep up. WTF??? During the bazillion squats we did I had to take a couple of breathers. To be honest I thought I was going to squat and continue downward until I was on my face. But that big girl kept on a trucking. Can someone explain this?
I hadn't done any cardio in awhile so I thought that I would fit some in after the class but before I had to get Tel out of the daycare there. 25 minutes of level 7 around the world biking ended up being 20 minutes. I guess 20 is better than nothing but now I am sulking around my house wishing I could take a nap and knowing that I was going to mop floors but have no energy to do so. Besides after the hour of shoulder presses I probably could not lift the mop to wring it out. Maybe Friday...

Thank You Mrs J

2008-11-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

It has been so long and so much has happened but I don't want to get into that right now. All I want to do is give a HUGE public thanks to my mentor teacher. I share a classroom with another social studies teacher and it is spectacular, however between the two of us we have sooooo much shit. Our classroom had zero storage so we stacked under tables and our desk. Our little school has expanded and some teachers were getting the "new" classrooms, we were not; but my mentor stepped up to bat for me at a faculty meeting and here I sit in my larger, much storaged, beautiful brand new classroom. I love it and I love you Mrs J for doing this for me--you are awesome even when you don't need to be!

Genius Update

2008-10-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

This week was full of parent-teacher conferences in our school district. Lucky for me, my school doesn't do the "traditional" conference for the 1st half--our school counselor takes care of it. Jesse, Dax, Tel, and I went to Dax's meeting and there were NO surprises there. The child is still on a 6th grade reading level (damn it, I really thought with reading over the summer he would have increased to at least 7th grade) and ACED all of the 2nd grade end of level exams. He is in his teacher's "challenge group" for both math and spelling and is doing well. When Dax's teacher sent home short grade printouts about a month ago there was a comment on it regarding Dax and "visiting" at inappropriate times; we addressed that. Mr G said that it wasn't just Dax, nor was it just one other kid--it was all of them. He then took a pause, looked directly at Dax and said in a very serious tone "I don't want you to get a big head with what I'm about to say but I need to explain the situation to your parents". The tone made me nervous as to what was coming next. Mr G said that he would consider Dax to be the most popular kid in class and everyone wants to work with him, talk to him, just connect with him at all times available--including work time. This, more than all of his over achievements, makes me soooooo happy. When Dax was really young I was told on more than one occasion that due to his intelligence he would lack in social skills and may never be able to "connect" to kids his age. I already knew he has friends but most popular????? The child is perfect. He not only is congenial and brilliant, he is beautiful to boot. I am so proud of you Waxy.
Tel felt left out at homework time so we decided to create homework for him. He, at 3 years old, is practicing writing letters. Why not? He is learning how to identify them and how to make their sound, the next logical step is writing them. Telly you, too, are brilliant!

How is it possible to be so blessed?

Tel Brief & Congrats to Dax the genius

2008-09-23T10:11:00.001-07:00

I am only working every other day this year which is splendid! I am able to have a "regroup" day before every day of school and Tel and I have been able to spend more alone time together which he has named "best buddy day". Tel is in preschool as I have stated before. His teacher had a few students drop out (great habit at so young an age) and she requested to combine her two 3 year old classes so that she had 1 full class twice a week rather than 2 half full classes every week. So he attends school every Tuesday and Thursday for a couple of hours. FYI: His teacher is Connie Weaver and she is AWESOME!! Tel is already recognizing letters and numbers (and the difference between the two) and basic sounds of letters; they are on E now. I am simply amazed because Dax's 3 year old preschool was purely social, academia was tucked in every now and then. Yesterday was one of my days off and Tel didn't have school either so we had an extra long "best buddy day" which was kind of trying on this best buddy because sometimes I need to clean by myself and Tel didn't understand because it was in fact "best buddy day"... Toward the late afternoon I decided to hell with the house cleaning, we were playing more than cleaning, we should read books. Tel went to his bedroom to get a book to read and came back with 2. As I was saying "The End" for the second book I noticed a "what the hell is going on" look on Tel's face. I sat the book down and before I could say anything Tel had already gotten up and started for his bedroom. As he was exiting my room I heard him say to himself "in my mind I was thinking of 3 books". Yes in my mind I think a lot of things that are forgotten when I enter a new room too baby, it's just the way it is.

Dax: this year his teacher has incorporated a "challenge words" spelling test. If a child gets 100% on the Monday pre-test, they study the challege words for the friday test. Dax not only qualified for the challenge words last week, he got 100% on those difficult words as well. He is sooooo going to be my brain surgeon, whereas Tel will be my rocket scientist (those are the smartest jobs in the world right???)

Why???

2008-09-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

I didn't get much sleep last night. The last thing I remember "watching" on TV before trying to sleep was the impact of Hurricane Ike on Texas and the memorial that was put up for miners in my state. The memorial is an uncanny replica of each of the miners who lost their lives in the mine collapse last year in East Carbon County. The news coverage showed the families and other people who went to the unveiling. I cannot get the picture of a wife running her hand over the sculpted face of her lost husband. I'm not asking for any doctrination but at times like this I wonder how an almighty loves all equally could let something like this occur. NOTHING CAN BE LEARNED FROM EVENTS LIKE THAT!! The children who lost parents will only learn hatred of companies who do not put forth the extra dollar and the companies will not learn a thing except how to cut checks to clear their name so they can re-open the damn mine. Then there is Ike. So much loss. Nothing could've prevented it. Don't give me the "its in the Bible" bullshit, this stuff has been happening for millions of years and the end STILL isn't here. Here is breaking news: it's not coming, there is no such thing. The only truth is that there is suffering, starving, fighting, dying, cruelty, and much much worse out there and it will never cease. Why are there people in the world who will send millions of dollars to third world countries to aid their needy but forget about the needy on our soil. Why is there billions of dollars spent and American lives lost to help out the suffering on the other side of the globe but no National Guard building homes for the homeless in the USA. There is not much I can do, I do what I can when I can but I get so depressed by these things. Those people who are in disarray due to the Hurricanes: you are in my good thoughts and same to the families of the miners. For that matter: all people who have experienced great loss I am thinking of you and hope for the best. As for offending readers: those who matter don't get offended by me and those who get offended don't matter (a little quote I picked up :) )

Just a Fam Update

2008-09-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

Dax had his football opener on Saturday. He plays on the 3rd/4th grade combined team. They got their asses handed to them on a silver platter! I'm usually not one of those moms who make excuses as to why my children weren't the best performers (because I totally realize that football is something Dax has to work at, school not so much) but they played Hurricane and they are a bunch of cheap shooting, mouthy son of a b's. To give you an example: after one of the plays was completely over, a Hurricane player grabbed one of our players and head butted him FROM BEHIND!! The little jerk just got a flag thrown on him--he wasn't pulled from the game. Oh and the parents from Hurricane: they like to yell words that I don't use in mixed company loudly to our coaches and players. IT WAS CRAZY!! Hopefully our boys will do better next game; they really didn't play their hardest but the other shit was unacceptable.
Hubbie, who is the defensive coach for Dax's team, was furious!! He is rather competitive and well, when you lose it isn't good at the Hirschi residence. No "better luck next time boys" from him. I believe I actually saw spit fly from his mouth when he was giving his "pep" talk to the team at yesterday's practice. We didn't get any calls from parents so the kids must be getting used to his over-excitablity (for lack of a better term).
Telly has been sick, as have I. But Hubbie and I want to know: why can't children be as sweet as they are when they are running a friggin high fever all the time. He wanted to snuggle, to just 'be' with Hubbie or me, he taught us how to play Pokemon (even if he showed us in a way that made him win every time). It was great but today the fever was gone and he has gone back to school. Which he is loving. He loves being there, he loves telling people he goes, but he hates the getting ready for and thinking about what he may be missing while he is there. He, too, is very bright but unlike Dax, Telly will probably voice his boredom of school and it will take everything we have to keep him going. Dax is a rule follower: he will finish his school work in half the time and read quietly; Tel is a rule maker: he will finish his school work in half the time and want a friend or 20.
The Hirschi's are all doing well. I know I didn't elaborate on myself this is because my life has been a whirlwind. I am at home about 2 hours every day (other than the 7 at night while I'm sleeping) and my house has been crazy dirty. I need to get back into the preschool, scouts, piano, football, work juggle mode. Hopefully next week.

Labor Day Weekend Thoughts

2008-08-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

Because I haven't an interesting thing to write about I thought that I would just bulletin the many rather unintelligent thoughts going through my mind at this time. I'm not at work and don't go back until Wednesday so shoooo academic ideas, gimme junk!!

I bought the new Kid Rock CD (Rock n Roll Jesus): yes, I am into Kid Rock. In a weird been used by skanky women and "I don't know why the hell I feel this way maybe it's because I should've been a groupie instead of a school teacher" kind of way, I find him appealing. Maybe it is just the forbidden life. I dunno.... I love his music; all of it.
The anorexic girl who doesn't wear a bra at the gym that I have posted about before is now teaching a weights/aerobic class on Saturday mornings and I attended it. She kicked my ass; I hate her even more now but I will continue going to the class.
I also went to 1/2 of a new class this morning: "Nia". I loved it. It was very...hmmmm... relaxing?? The official description is "a combination of dance and martial arts; focusing on the "dynamic" and "ease" movements". Very much like the 'alternative' dance class I had in high school. I want to go for the entire time but couldn't today because the gym daycare only lets the kids stay for 90 min intervals.
I was reading other blogs and many a person is fall cleaning their houses. I want to do the same. I tried to last weekend, actually I referred to it as purging my shit. But I really need someone to assist because I can rationalize why I need that red can labeled "cookies" and an outsider could just tell me to get a grip on my god damn hording--what, was I raised during the depression?? Why do I do this and how the hell can I get rid of the junk baggage.
Forgot: I took the boys to "Star Wars: Clone Wars" last Sunday. It was fun, they love seeing movies in the theatre and I really like the devouring of a ginormous tub-o-popcorn and extra large Pepsi in the dark where no one can see that I am undoing all the healthy eating and hard ass workouts from the previous week. Now THAT is the forbidden life--WHAT A RUSH I GOT!! The movie was alright, I'm not a big Star Wars fan. My boys are; they can actually give you a verbal family tree of the friggin bounty hunters (The Fetts for those of you who are savvy). There were some one liners that made me laugh but just seeing the delight in my boys was enough for me.

Well that sums up my thoughts. Pretty bad, huh. It gives you fodder. Have a splendid work-free, important thought-free weekend!!

Huge Explanation for a Bit from Tel

2008-08-29T10:12:00.001-07:00

My hubbie got his deer; his hunt for the year is over. Yes, we are hunters (and trappers for that matter). I do fancy myself as a liberal feminist (well most of the time, in most company) but we do slay Bambi. Yea, Yea enough with the "oh my god, did she really say that?" I am more concerned with the over-population of deer herds being forced from their natural habitats due to assholes desiring the hill top huge ass home. If the deer aren't "taken" for nourishing reasons they will either get hit by a car on their way to find food, die slowly of starvation, or catch one of the many diseases (and die slowly and painfully) the breed has fallen victim to since they were forced to change their natural lifestyles. I am also concerned with my sons being forced to eat food that comes from animals who are given enough growth hormones to send the average American child into puberty at age 9. I want to know where the meat, eggs, fruit, veggies, etc come from as often as possible. Hence the hunting, raising of cattle/sheep, raising chickens, and growing fruit trees and a garden each summer. No E. Coli or Salmonella (sp?) for my boys. The winter months we have to live on what is offered at our not so accommodating to picky people supermarkets in this area. ANYHOO... (I still hate that but use it anyway)
Hubbie, Tel, and I were at a friends house taking care of (for those of you who are sensitive about the caring of fresh carcases) hubbie's deer and of course Tel wanted to experience everything about it--including touching it. Touching was fine until we noticed that all of the ticks (which are commonly found on Mule deer living in sage brush and cedar trees) had not jumped for cover as said deer was being transported home. We told Tel to be careful where he was touching and pointed out a tick while explaining that they will get on your skin and suck your blood and the only way to get them out is with a hot match (didn't want to get into the whole Lyme Disease and such....he is only 3). He became more careful but didn't say any more about them. Fast forward, two days: Tel and I were eating breakfast together and he began to explain his tick theory. "Mom, I think the ticks come from vampires" "What do you mean, Tel?" "The vampires are at their houses and tell the ticks to go suck people's blood" "That is a thought but remember vampires aren't real" That was it. He was very final with his explanation and didn't see it necessary to argue with me. So in case you wondered why or where we gets ticks: those f-ing LAZY vampires!!

A New Era Of Motherhood

2008-08-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

I am entering a new era of motherhood and I don't know how I feel about it. Tel will begin preschool on Monday. It is only for 2 hours, twice a week but it is school. This is my baby, there will be no more (a small procedure performed on my not so willing hubbie, but I gave birth to two good sized babies vaginally so there was a basis for the short straw draw, has guaranteed this). Dax is in the 3rd grade this year and according to the 1st class newsletter he will be learning how to write in cursive, multiplication, and will incorporate an actual science class. These are things that are needed for all his future educational career not to mention life skills. When did his primary schooling turn into life skills. I have issues with this as well. I thought it was cute when he learned how to read and write and even more cute when he could do math but my 1st baby is really learning stuff that he will need for the rest of his life-- that isn't the cute stuff anymore it's hard stuff. Am I prepared for him to struggle if he does? Dax is amazingly smart and I'm not just saying that because he is my son. He is an 8 year old 3rd grader who reads and writes on an 8th grade level. School, thus far, has been a breeze for him and I want him to continue to succeed (I have prepared myself for Dax to become a rocket scientist or brain surgeon--there isn't any smarter careers are there, hence the "It doesn't take a .... to know that") Back to Tel: my baby. He is so excited to start school and even more excited to find out that he will have homework. Yes, you heard correctly-homework. Tel's first newsletter informed the parents that they will need to provide treats once every 8 weeks, will be in charge of the "sound" bag every 8 weeks (something to do with learning the sounds of the alphabet) and helping their child with their homework that will be sent home in a folder which on one side holds the homework and on the other side holds the work completed and notes home. I am NOT ready for all of the "big boy" shit yet; as you probably noticed by all of the above incoherent rambling. I am so happy for my boys to become awesome but they are my babies and I fear them not needing me; which is what comes after homework in preschool and times tables in cursive.
On a side note: I got a new puppy (that makes 4 dogs) she is a border collie and seems to be very good. She is catching onto simple commands and stays faithfully by our side when any of us is outside. Unfortunately she is fascinated with my potted flowers and has knocked over and up-rooted a pot on more than one occasion. I think due to age, this isn't bothering me as much as it did with our other border collie who loved to get inside of my planters and dig the flowers up. I may be freaking out about my boys growing up but at least I know that if I were to have waited until later in life to have them I would have gotten to the point when nothing was really bothersome and therefore I wouldn't dwell on the transitions of their lives. I think it is better that I freak out; because strong emotion is what deeply embeds memories---Right?

The Blues

2008-07-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

I think I have the blues. I wouldn't say it was depression because I did get out of bed, shower, do my makeup, go to the gym, and take my kids to swimming but I am low. The end of my summer vacation is a week from today (I know some of you are saying 'WTF I don't even get a summer vacation what is she bitching about'; you more than likely make a lot more than I do a year--public school educator remember). I got back from Maui on Monday and I have missed it ever since. Not the actual 'I want to move there' or 'I want to be back on vacation'; it's more like 'I want to live there on the beach and never work another day of my life, just snorkel and watch the ocean'. Completely unrealistic I know. I am usually so pumped for the new school year by now and this year I'm not. I need one of those fun meetings where people share fun ideas that would totally work for me that I get anxious to use--I don't know if I have a meeting like that coming up but God I hope something motivates me soon. I also normally have my and Dax's school clothes purchased by now (ALL OF THEM) oh no, not this year: Dax has all his new shirts and I have 3 new outfits. Dax starts football on Monday and it is craziness during the season, we are constantly on the go and I have to get all the school shopping done before Thursday. Oh and Tel starts preschool so he needs new clothes and backpack too. The list goes on, you can now see why I am down and want to escape to a tropical island. Boo hoo me. I will try to be more funny and upbeat next time.

Back from Maui

2008-07-29T17:12:00.000-07:00

After flying the friggin red-eye home and being completely out of whack with the time change; I am home. This picture was taken from our condo balcony. No shit, this is what I woke up to every morning (notice the lack of sun, we woke up at 4 am Hawaii time EVERYDAY! Note: that is 8 am MT) I never once missed home. I missed my children a couple of times but after talking to them I was good to go. My hubbie and I went alone for our 10th anniversary and it was bliss. I tried snorkeling for the first time and LOVED it. We purchased one of those disposable underwater cameras for our snorkeling cruise, the pictures are ok, but they definitely help us remember how beautiful the underwater world looks. We went on a guided tour to the "other" side of the island to a town named Hana (pronounced H-AU-NA). It is undeveloped, one hotel and it is really costy. Beautiful rain forests, waterfalls, lots of fruit on the side of the road. Just beautiful. We had reservations for a Luau, but after seeing the block long line we cancelled (we have been to authentic luaus before so no love lost there). On our actual anniversary we went on a 3 hour (yea, yea funny: Gilligan's Island) sunset dinner cruise. The food was great, the view unbeatable, but the Mai Tais and Blue Hawaiians were the best--maybe because of the fresh juice used. It was awesome, anytime we were on a ship there was an open bar with FREE DRINKS!! NO LIMIT!! Neither of us partook (word?) of too many we were unsure of the alcohol intake laws and driving in Hawaii. Next time we will find a D.D. or leave the rental at our condo and use a taxi. 7 days seemed like enough toward the end of the week but now that I am home, it wasn't long enough. We have already started planning our next trip to Maui, but we will take the boys then. Thinking in two years so that Tel is 5 and can take part in the activities that are offered. If ever you get the chance to go, do it. It is definitely worth the money.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me??

2008-07-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

After my morning gym visit and on our way to swimming lessons, Dax replayed a conversation Tel had with one of the playroom attendants (who are super cute and always have nothing but GREAT things to say about my children which I know are totally biased because they can be little assholes and one day they were actually fist fighting and the girls STILL said how cute and polite they are and how much they love having them around). The youngest attendant (she is maybe 19 and so sweet) asked Tel if she could be his girlfriend. Tel replied "no I already have a girlfriend". The girl asked who it was thinking a friend would be named I'm sure. Tel answered "my mom!". So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, when it seems like you are having the worst hair day and that huge pimple won't go away just remember you are probably the HOTTEST person to one of your children. Every night as Tel is drifting off to sleep (remember he sleeps with me--yea, yea I know the lines...) he says "You are my girlfriend, you are my mom, you are my Darcie, and you are my bestest friend that ever was". I hope he feels the same way when I ground him from a football game, or whatever, when he is a Junior in high school.

I leave for Maui in, not counting today, 3 days. I have last minute things I need to purchase and will do so tomorrow; like a new memory card for my camera, sunscreen, a charger for my Ipod that plugs into a wall socket, a new hairdryer and diffuser, and a jacket that will go with shorts, jeans, and a sundress. This is where you come in: where would I find a jacket in July? What kind of jacket would fit that need? I was thinking a dark jean jacket??? Whadayathink?

Ramble, Ramble

2008-07-12T15:33:00.000-07:00

I am so ready to be out of my house! It has been on the market for a little over a month and we have only had 1 walk through but a ton of people pick up flyer's--I am getting discouraged. I realized that I was done with this house when I no longer take pride in yard work (which used to be my Zen therapy) and I only clean just in case I get a call for a walk through (cleaning, too, helped relieve stress). I know the "market" is slow but come on! Throw me a bone already. I am also nervous to move out of this house and into a rental & storage unit at the same time I am starting a new school year. On the flip side I don't want to spend Christmas in a rental nor do I want my hubbie building our dream home through one of our cold, wet winters. I guess I'm just screwed. I need to realize I can't have it all. 8 DAYS UNTIL MAUI--WITHOUT CHILDREN!!
That is my only silver lining at the moment. Oh, back to the yard work. I used to LOVE pulling weeds and beautifying my yard but I dread it now. I have resorted to putting one of my goats inside our little fenced area so she can eat weeds rather than me picking them (can you say REDNECK?). For curiosity purposes, here is a link to see my house http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes/kanarraville-ut/
scroll down, it is the house with the red roof and beat up car in the drive. My hubbie has his dream truck and I the family SUV but because of gas prices and his LONG commute, we own a Plymouth Neon who has seen better days. It was supposed to have been moved so that it wasn't in the ad pic, but it was out of gas. Have any of you drove home from work and parked your car and NOT realize that you were out of gas? I have never had this happen but shit like that happens to Jesse all the time so I wasn't too surprised. I hope the link works, I'm not too tech savvy. That is all I have, nothing funny, nothing to bitch about, just THAT.

BBQ Chicken

2008-07-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have been trying, this summer, to become more independent around the house. I caulked a portion of the bathroom I've wanted done for some time but decided to quit complaining to my hubbie about it because he sure as hell wasn't going to do it. It turned out alright. I decided that BBQ chicken sounded good and very summery I might add but due to Jesse's shitty work schedule I would have to wait a few days for him to do the grilling. AHHHH... (insert heavenly sounds) I would buy a bag of charcoal and do it myself. I dumped the charcoal in the grill and tried to light it--nothing. I remember Jesse would add some gas, so I followed suit. Much to Dax's amusement, and two tries, I about lit myself on fire, almost shit myself and had an inferno for about 10 seconds. WTF??? I decided I would get a old limb from my apple tree and start it like a campfire. The stick burned for about 60 seconds and smoked like a son-of-a-bitch. Ok, I'm pissed now. I thought paper was the answer, and you can probably see what is coming from this. It burned and started floating away like paper does. GGGGRRRRREEEEAAAAT! I'm going to torch the whole neighborhood. I decided to come inside and preheat the friggin oven because I am obviously inapt to do this. No I'm not a complete moron: I put the lid on the grill so that the paper wouldn't ALL float away. After preparing the chicken and while waiting for preheat light to come on, I decided I would check on the grill. OMG--It was a smokin!! I opened it and the charcoal was turning grey!! YEA!! I ran inside and grabbed my plate of raw poultry and began slopping it onto the grill. At 20 minutes I checked on it and it's grilling nicely, just like on TV (with the yummy smell included of course). 45 minutes and I notice both sides are darkening....I realize I have absolutely NO idea how to tell if grilled chicken is done. I don't want to kill my family with some undercooked bird. WHAT DO I DO? Panic, darty eyes, constant flipping of the chicken pieces, slicing one open and realizing I don't know what I'm looking for... OHHHHHH SSSHHHHHIIITTTTT it'll be black in no time.
Oh good, Jesse just called he is running late but will be home in about 10 minutes. So much for BBQ independence.

List.....

2008-07-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

I have a ton of bitching going on inside of me right now and no one is to blame and if I were to vent aloud many would be hurt...maybe.
1. My house isn't selling as fast as I had hoped and I'm afraid it will happen so that I will have to move at the same time I'm starting a new school year
2. My sister is still angry at me and I at her and it looks like nothing will fix it
3. Along with #2, my youngest needs a hair cut and because his hair is SOOOOO thick, course, and curly I don't trust just anybody to cut it and Day is still not speaking to me (I do understand it is a two way street, but heavy shit went down this time. Not just water under the bridge)
4. I had a niece born and was told her name was going to be Tori Rachel which is cutesy enough for a little girl but could be refined enough for a mature woman. Her mother changed her mind when baby was en route--Tori Kenzie is her name. Come on...that is either a little girl name forever or she will already have a stage name when doing unmentionable things to strange men holding dollar bills. I normally don't pass judgement on naming children, my children have "unique" but meaningful names but Tori's sister was named Brooklyn Nicole, what happened to...ugh I don't know how to explain.
5. I am taking a class toward my Master's (it is really short, like a crash course in 10 days) and the instructor decided we should break into pairs and teach the class an assigned chapter. I go tomorrow and I am totally freaking!!! I could talk to a room of 1000000000 students all day long, but give me 2 colleagues and I am a total flushed, babbling idiot.
6. Because of said class I haven't been able to make it to the gym and I feel like I'm gaining back pounds by the minute. It really helps my stress level by sweating my guts out and lifting weights until I can no longer hold my water bottle with one hand--so the freaking out is doubled because of non-attendance.
7. I haven't cleaned my house in days. Most of you wouldn't notice if you came by (I have cleanliness OCD) but I do and it really doesn't help things but I haven't the time to do it: class, kids, posting blogs.....
8. I've been trying to get used to my hair being fixed curly instead of straight because it is so humid in Maui that I thought I wouldn't even try the fight of straightening. I have now found that after 29 years of banishing my loose, ringlet perm-like curls they have finally gone by the wayside: NOW WHEN I WANT THEM!! Why must things go like that in life?

I guess I should get back to my power point, I'm hoping that the class will be so glued to it that they won't look at me then maybe I can assure myself I won't pass out. No, it hasn't gotten easier in fact I think the older I get the more afraid of speaking to a group I get. GREEEEAAAAAT!

Final note that has nothing to do with anything:
Tel just devoured his noodles like a dog even though the plate was on the table and the fork laid properly on the right side on top of a folded napkin. I did not see it happen, he came in to tell me about it because he was so proud of himself (FYI just in case you are calling me a hypocrite right now: Tel's name comes from a series of novels my husband is in love with and it means "story teller" which he is)

Tidbits from my boys

2008-06-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

How do you teach a child to carry a tissue to catch the projectile snot or even get a tissue once said snot has shot? I am so proud of my 3 year old, he covers his face when he sneezes however he doesn't remember to carry the tissue until AFTER the sneezes shoot. He suffers from severe hay fever which is about the only thing, other than olive skin coloring, that he inherited from me. The poor baby will be woken from a deep 3 am sleep with his powerful snot and he will just sit there saying/yelling "mommy" until I wake up enough to get to the bathroom to retrieve the tissue or, if I was thinking at bedtime, grab the tissues I sat at my bedside. It is funny how bodily secretions do nothing to mothers--no fear whatsoever, no flinch, no surprise, no anything except the wish of the time when they are taken care of my the secreter.

The Huge Wiener Monster: As I sat here checking blogs and posting my hubbie popped by to give me a kiss goodbye on his way out to work. I gave him my full attention and realized that his "work" pants are hole ridden ALL in the crotch region. I told him as much and he shrugged it off however, my 8 year old took it and flew. He explained to his dad that one of these days "it" was going to just bust out of the hole (and made arm jesters, very largely, to represent what "it" would look like) and you'll just be a "HUGE wiener monster that will turn around and say AAARRGHH and trip an old lady". Yep, he meant trip her with "it". My hubbie was rolling... Dax was going off with this story and even though it was probably completely inappropriate, Jesse cracked up and seeing him laugh made me do the same. Oh boy the imagination my children have.

It makes sense--of course it does Tel

2008-06-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

I've changed the title of my blog as a tribute to my 3 year old son. It is his new phrase and he uses it properly-kind of. For instance, I was putting his PJs on him and suggested he only wear the bottoms because the nights have been so warm and he replied "I want the top with the bottoms, it makes sense mom". Yes, it does. Tops go with bottoms even if you sweat your guts out all night and toss and turn so much your mother doesn't sleep a wink (yes, I am one of THOSE mothers who let their children sleep with them until they choose to sleep on their own--another topic, another time). It was an entire "Bob the Builder" ensemble so it did make sense. Like the PJ incident, my blog makes sense: the incoherence, the casual display of meaningful things in my life, the rude shit I talk about, etc are all part of who I am or mainly how I think JUMP... JUMP... JUMP... but I come up with really good thoughts while jumping around.

As I write this "intended to be short" post my fore mentioned son came out of the bathroom and asked/stated "Can I be naked? My shorts are sweaty and I need them off cuz my legs need fresh air on me" Naked doesn't mean bare ass to him, that is nakey or "woo woo". Naked is to be without pants; wearing underwear and a shirt. Tel and his cousins frequent this look daily at their grandma's house (the saint retired early to watch grand babies so all of us could continue our careers, at the end of this month she will be the charge of 5 children, 3 yrs and younger and an 8 year old--I emphasize SAINT), they all 3 prefer this and all 3 sets of parents do not but that is what g-ma's are for right. So Tel is naked watching "his shows", playing Star Wars guys and as content as a child can be. Again, naked is without pants--how many of us would like to be naked most of the time, oh hell maybe even nakey would be good in this weather. Happy first day of summer.

Staying At Home

2008-06-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

Summers are always hard for me. I completely envy the patience of the stay-at-home parent--it's not for everyone. I only work part time but staying home day after day with my kids is beyond difficult. I find myself being not as patient as I am during the school year, zoning out when they are telling me some "important" story, and counting down, as soon as they wake up at 6 am, to their 8:30 bedtime. To make matters worse, I normally have my hubbie home for 3 days (his schedule is a 3 on, 3 off which is LOVELLLLLY!) but because due to him knowing me so well, he has worked overtime as much as possible so that I can have a spend frenzy in Maui and not come home in the red. It is so sweet of him because he works really hard and on nights he's gone way too much and misses us but I don't think it could possibly compare to how much I miss him. I have been a single mother for 4-5 days a week since summer began and this is NOT pretty on top of my needing to work outside the home. I have taken the boys to the movies twice, take them to the gym and swimming lessons daily, gone to my mother's to "slip and slide" on more than one occasion, my mother-in-law took them overnight last week, and of course the junk food movie days we have planned with one another. I still feel overwhelmed and depression sets in because I feel bad about not liking being home with my kids. Days like today do make it better though:
When I picked my boys up from the play center at the gym today every one of the ladies went on and on about how cute my kids are, how they are so helpful, and how polite they are (even my 3 year old), then I talk to another mother at swimming and she tells me how "neat" my oldest is because he is so caring and helpful to his fellow swim mates/friends. The other mothers of the 3-4 year olds were telling me how good my youngest is; he listens and tries everything the instructor asks, he has no fear of the water and even tries to use "big arms" (freestyle) while passing off the floating part of his class.
So even though I pretend to enjoy the obnoxious stories of the various fiction characters my son's tell me about and I will volunteer but roll my eyes when asked to be Lea or Padme they must know that I care about them and they put as much, if not more, stock into what I say as I do in what they say. To them and me each day is a learned lesson and I wouldn't give it up for all the nannies in the world. But yes, I'm looking forward to my vacay and then the beginning of the new school year because I feel I give them much more quality in my time than in the summer---FO SHO!!!

Summer Routine

2008-06-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile and I feel bad about it. When I started this I was determined to be a regular poster but it seems as though it is harder to set aside time or come up with topics. So here is a post about my summer vacation so far.
Each day I go to the gym at 9:00. I hadn't went for a couple of weeks (last week of school chaos and trying to get into the summer routine set backs) and when I started back IT KICKED MY BUTT!!! I am still more sore each day than what I had worked up to but I think it is a good thing because I didn't lose at much tone/strength as I would have thought. Some days I just do cardio, some weights and cardio, and on Thursdays the same class I went to before only in the morning. Yep, still having to wear a pad because of the incessant jumping and my first day back to said class I fell on my ass. That's right folks...FELL. It happened so quickly I don't know exactly what happened but I do believe it had something to do with the tread of my shoes sticking to the tread on the work out stair and the other foot moving to the stair before first foot could 'unstick' itself. I didn't get hurt, was mildly embarrassed, and laughed soooooo hard at myself. After the gym I race my boys to swimming lessons which are at 10. Dax is in pre-swim team again this year. His ability is there but because of his age he isn't in the "competition group" which consists of junior high kids. Tel is in his second session of level 1. His first teacher recommended he go to level 2 because he, too, is a fish; but because of his age I chose one more session of level 1. At 11 we leave the pool and run any errands in town that need to be done because with the price of gas there is NO way in HELL I'm going back in. We get home around noon but have already ate at some junk food place which shoots my diet in the face. Then it is time for the house clean because YES it is for sale. No one has had a walk through but my realtor has had MANY calls and people are constantly stopping and grabbing a brochure. I know the market is slow and it has been listed for only two weeks, but I want it sold yesterday (remember my problem with impatience). Mondays and Fridays I take my grandma to her physical therapy, Tuesdays I work all day (summer "make up" school, it is cake-I read the entire time because very few people are there for social studies), and Wednesday, oh Wednesdays I despise you. Around 4:30 is when I get to sit down and NO my house hasn't been cleaned yet. Gym, swimming, grocery store, lunch, piano, feed pseudo farm....... I would like to excuse myself and go to bed now but my hubbie works a totally f-ed schedule and I think it would be considered neglect if I were to let my kiddos cook their own dinner and run their own baths. Anyhoooooooo. I'm sorry there is nothing exciting for me to talk about. Oh, wait there is!!! Next month will mark my 10 year wedding anniversary and I am going to Maui! I need to work out diligently, watch what I eat, and buy cute sun dresses with matching shoes cuz I'm gonna look GOOD in the pictures we bring back. It'll be just like a postcard baby. Well, that's my goal anyway.

Passion

2008-06-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

As I sit here eating my faux Chinese take-out (Panda Express) I realize I have become a hypocrite. There was a time that I was neck deep in sociological study where I protested Internet filters on university computers, when I would have packed up my newborn son and joined a freedom march cross country had it been the era. I was going to rid the world of inequality, starting with not gender socializing my son. Now I am signing the child up for football, second year now. To my defense: he sleeps with a teddy bear, is the sweetest male I have ever known, and has to concentrate on being aggressive. I have no passion for anything anymore, I teach sociology but cannot transfer my lost passion to my students. I feel like I'm not on the cutting edge of society, as if I have been caught up in the herd and am just following the ewe in front of me. I have "settled" for the mundane life of mother, wife, teacher....I say "settled" because I was going to be the INNOVATIVE of those roles. The mother unexpected, the beyond equal spouse, and the best damn teacher that ever walked. I need to find a new passion that fits with my Beaver Cleaver life I happened on. How do I do this? Or how do I rekindle the passion that once was but adapt it to dinner at 6, baths at 7, and bedtime at 9?

For Sale

2008-05-27T19:23:00.000-07:00

The sign is in the ground!!! Today, well yesterday, I began the scrub the floors, walls, ceilings, lights, and everything else that someone might scrutinize routine for today the realtor came and took pictures that will be posted online! I am not as tech savvy as some of you, I cannot add links to this shit nor can I post pics that I took myself so I must rely heavily on my skill of painting a picture with words. My house is spotless even for my standards. So "put together" that my realtor (oh, we ended up going with a realtor because a friend of ours said it helps weed out the broke ass weirdos who kill time by pilfering your prized possessions) said "Darcie, it is unnecessary for your house to be perfect for every showing". Hmmmmm...... does she know me??? I FREAK out when I am going to entertain family and close friends, WTF am I going to do knowing that strangers are deciding whether or not to make the biggest purchase of their lives. MAJOR pressure. How do you get beyond this? I am also freaked because I worry that my house will not sell. I want someone to make an offer tomorrow so that my ego and love for my dwelling is validated. I know it is ridiculous thinking, but it creeps into the fore front of my thoughts periodically and I don't know how to banish it all together. I am so excited and yet so nervous. I know this is what I want to do but I want it done....yesterday. I hate the wait, the worry, the staging. For all of you who have sold a house (not during the house buying spree but during the "normal" selling/buying times) how did you get through this? How long will it take for someone to buy my house? How much should I stage? clean? Please, oh please, even those of you who don't comment do so anonymously if you must. I need answers. It's like going to the hospital to give birth to your first child and never reading or taking a child birth class. You know it will take awhile, but how long and how much pain is it going to inflict? Please help me.

nothing resembling organized thoughts

2008-05-20T15:43:00.000-07:00

I am on here because I am looking up how to broil sirloin steak. I began learning how to cook about 7 years ago when my oldest son needed to start eating REAL food and due to my hubbie's shitty work schedule. J isn't always here at night to cook us dinner and it was ok for me to go without but I couldn't let my kid go without and Hot Pockets and other frozen delights aren't really what I wanted to raise my child on. As you can see I haven't found the recipe and I'm having a difficult time doing so because I am surfing and now blogging because I haven't done so in a LONG time. Today is J's 30th birthday. He is at work and won't return until way past our dinner time but I thought it would be nice of me to cook his fave meal and have it waiting for him when he arrives. I wanted to do something special for his big day but he wasn't into it. I got him a couple little gifts so that my boys could watch him unwrap something. J will probably be mad because he told me not to buy him anything. It isn't the "I don't want to admit I'm growing older so I will ignore my birthday and force everyone else to ignore it too" syndrome, he just hates the big "to do's" I do for holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions. I was raised this way. Birthdays were as big as a "normal" family's Christmas, 4th of July, Pioneer Day, and Halloween celebrations lasted two days, I would walk into a bedroom loaded with "valentines" after school each year, Easter encompassed new outfits and a loaded basket, and Christmas was obscene. I am speaking in past tense but it still continues today. Santa Claus still visits my parent's house for my sister and I (and our kids). My mom's nickname is literally "Miss Holiday", given to her by my father. We were by no means rich when I was a child. My family qualified for state aid. My mom just pulled cash out of her ass when she felt it was necessary--HOLIDAYS!! I was talking to my aunt the other day and she said that she saw my mom wandering around the store and asked what she was looking for. My mom said she didn't know for sure but she needed to get a gift for "my girls" (my sister and I) for the end of the school year because this is what she has always done. Yes, she does give us a "end of school year" gift every year. When we were in school it was an obvious celebration, and yes, I do teach now so it could be carried over. But what about Day??? She doesn't attend nor work at a school and technically I don't need a "graduated another grade level" gift anymore. Chances are she will get one for the grand kids too: 1 for completing Kindergarten, 1 for completing the 2nd grade, and 2 for entering pre-school next year. That is TRULY how she justifies her celebrations. It is very corny but oh so sweet. I love my mom and the only thing that makes her happy to her toes is doing something nice for someone else. I have fallen victim to her footsteps, hence the gifts where there was no desire, the dinner I don't know how to cook, and the cake that I will probably eat myself and gain a huge ass for the summer. Happy Birthday J! I love you Mom, thanks for teaching me to celebrate life, with gifts!!!

Hives

2008-05-06T14:44:00.000-07:00

So I broke out in hives on Sunday afternoon, for no apparent reason. It was the last day of a too much fun weekend out of town with my hubbie and I was changing into my bathing suit so that I could spend my last 1 1/2 hours before check out poolside. There they were. Not itching yet but welts, splotches, red bumps--no mistaking hives. I hadn't used new products on myself, I wasn't having a bout of hay fever, I don't know what caused them. Here it is Tuesday afternoon and I still have them on both arms, on my left leg, and of all the worse places: my forehead. After telling different people about my strange break out they replied with "are you stressed" and I replied "no, I was having a good time. I don't know what brought them on". After further analysis I am starting to think they are stress related. The end of the school year is in a couple of weeks, I have to finish and submit 2 different portfolios in the next week, I have to go out of town again for another conference and my sub (whom I asked months ago) bailed on me last minute and I was having a hard time finding someone else (god bless you Forrest, I don't know what I would do if you didn't volunteer), my oldest son has half a dozen god forsaken things happening at and after school to celebrate the end of another school year, my in laws (uncles and grandmother, not parents) are making our sell and move damn near impossible because they want to ensure their kids can build when ready which is ridiculous why should we make it easy for them when it is so freakin hard for us, I "heard" there is a gentleman looking for a house in my little town and is willing to pay what I want to ask for but I don't dare put my house up for sell until I'm guaranteed a building lot THIS F-ING YEAR, my husband has now decided that he wants to use a realtor but is thinking about adding a basement to our new house so "Darcie I know you have found your perfect floor plan but now you need to find another with a basement even though you have never wanted a basement", I need to prep my house for possible buyers but don't know what to do because I don't want to put in more time/money/work than the bare minimum because I am ready to be done with it, my lawn looks so shitty this year and I don't know why or what to do I have always been blessed with green thumb when it comes to the out of doors but this year I am gardening challenged----OH GOD I'M ITCHING MORE JUST VENTING ABOUT THE SHIT!
To end on a positive note: I had a blast this weekend. I indulged in EVERYTHING too much but enjoyed every minute of it. Caught up with old friends, met new ones, danced with fun girlfriends and not so fun slutty friends, ran into high school friends and reminisced, requested great songs from my life to an awesome band, danced and sang at the top of my lungs to the songs (along with all the other bagillion people in the place). It was the best annual golf tournament I have gone to--thank you Jesse and let's do it again next year!

Pre-Staging Clean Up

2008-04-29T11:35:00.001-07:00

So we haven't gotten the official "ok" from the building department about whether or not we can build on "the farm" but we are fixed on the idea that we are doing so: we have picked out a floor plan, set a price for our home, talked to and about a realtor (and decided against it), surfed about info for selling a home, etc. I have come across many an article that talks about the staging of the home for prospective buyers but before you get to that point you must first get rid of "personal" touches and clean out cupboards and make them resemble the grocery store because if it is tidy in the cupboard the buyer will believe you take great care with your "things", including the house they may buy. I fancy myself a neat freak, I love to clean and my house is COMPLETELY organized--or so I thought. Last summer my husband remodeled our kitchen (complete gut and rebuild) and I now have many cupboards which I wasn't blessed with before. Before, I had a food cupboard, a dish cupboard, a tupperware cupboard, a glasses cupboard, and a "machine" cupboard (slow cookers, bread maker, rice cooker, blender, etc.) Once I moved into my new kitchen I willy nilly put things away and I now regret it. I just finished re-organizing my kitchen cabinets. I had canned goods in all cabinets except those that held plates WTF! I put them all in the "canned good" cabinet that is on the bottom and organized it like freakin Albertson's. I had NO idea how many cans of whole kernel corn I had (we must like it and I continue buying it before checking on what I already own). My kitchen now makes sense but we have to reprogram ourselves when getting the salt and pepper and the like--nothing is where it once was, oh except the cereal. When I finish here I am tackling my bathroom. I would like to know how does one not become a pack rat in the bathroom? How can I get beyond the "I may want/need this one day"? Come on, how many bath cubes does a woman really need--I don't even take baths, I shower!!!

Face the CH-CH-CH-changes

2008-04-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

I have lived in the same house for the last 9 years. It is in the same little town I grew up in and vowed to leave once I was of age yet chose to come back to when I found out I had a bun in the oven. To put even more emphasis on my house: my maternal grandfather lived in it for a period when he was in his teens and my father was raised, from birth, in this house. I love my house and vowed I would never leave it. It sits on a WHOLE acre of land that houses my various farm animals, has 12+ mature fruit trees and an ungodly amount of mature "other" trees. Yet, it has only 1 bathroom and I am the only female in the place. My little family has outgrown it and as sad as I will be to leave we need to, oh, and one other little thing: we would be COMPLETELY out of debt if we sold it and built elsewhere. I have pretty much gotten over the initial mourning and I know it will return if/when we move and now I am hearing that we may not be able to move because of some jack ass new ordinance the county made regarding the houses built on family farms (which is where we have land: Jesse's family farm). I have been dropped off of my shiny little optimistic and excited cloud. Now I'm being overly pessimistic, it has not proven to be impossible Jesse still needs to look further into it (and he's not moving as fast as I want because when I want something I wanted it yesterday, I'm impatient once I have set my mind on something). I've been looking at floor plans and pretty much decided on what I want. Now I have to get my house and yard in selling shape. This is where you come in. Many of you have recently moved/sold homes what do I do to prep my house so that people will immediately fall in love and buy it? Then, what is the best way to approach the whole pack and move shit to storage so you can live in a small rental for a couple of months? Help me, I've never done this before, Jesse and I went from our newly wed rental to this house so we didn't own much at the time. Please comment.

Tweeker

2008-04-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

That is how I've been feeling for the last few weeks. You'd think I would gain a tolerance over 30 years, but still waiting. I have had super bad allergies since birth and the warm spring weather combined with the strong winds (just the last 4 days) have really sent me in a tailspin. Watery, itchy eyes; runny, stuffy, itchy nose; itchy throat; sinus headaches; and coughing like a 20 year smoker. I HATE IT, but not as much as I hate being on my meds. I really don't know how people become tweekers (noun; person addicted to amphetamines/speed). I take my meds to relieve the symptoms (which I have yet to find a pill that takes away all of my allergy problems for the day--any suggestions?). I really appreciate the initial burst of energy and ideas: I come up with good lessons while high and I can clean a house in record time! But next comes the cotton mouth: I drink water like a fish, am constantly licking my lips and wiping the sides of my mouth, not to mention my inability to speak fluidly. If I were a high school student I would've turned my ass in for the blatant display of extra curricular activities. Next is the blood shot and dilated eyes. I actually put Visine in twice before I leave the house in hopes of ridding the redness. The worse part is the paranoia--side effect of the pseudo ephedrine. I just know people are looking at me and thinking "she is high as a kite", my students are thinking "Mrs Hirschi knows how to roll". People are going to think I'm snorting a line every time I go to the restroom. At night, once the pill wears off, I realize that it was nonsense paranoia brought about by the allergy med and try to talk myself out of the irrational thoughts I will have the next day. How can anyone get beyond the irrational paranoid thoughts that come with amphetamines? NOTHING is worth it--even the much needed energy. Well, I think I will eat dinner and shower so that I can begin my pep talk about what is reality and what are just crazy thoughts brought about by a day of popping allergy meds, as prescribed.

Which is worse: pads or pissing yourself?

2008-04-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

I didn't start my period until I was 13 years old and in the 9th grade, my younger sister started long before me; she was in the 6th or 7th grade (I know TMI but I have to set the stage). For most young girls you learn about these things from friends and older siblings, the stuff your mother tells you goes in one ear and out the other because you cannot get out of the room fast enough--MY GOD WOMAN WHY ARE YOU SAYING THESE THINGS THAT EMBARRASS THE PISS OUT OF ME??? I learned from my friends and my little sister. My mother would only buy Day pads for her time of the month (mommy didn't have one anymore, emergency hysterectomy) and Day was fine with it, I guess. She was a major tomboy and told my parents that she just "wasn't going to have it". My mom's reply was "good luck with that". Day was either unaware of tampons or didn't want to deal with other methods. Anywaaaaayyyyyy.... when I finally started I realized that none of my friends wore pads, not to mention how uncomfortable I was while wearing them, if I started at a friends house I was SOL and had to call mommy to bring me the mature diapers. I was finally sick of wearing the things--with wings, without wings, overnight, regular, long--it didn't matter I was done. When I asked my mother to buy me tampons you would have thought I told her I just slashed the throats of our elderly neighbor. DISGUST!! "Do you know what kind of girls wear those? Loose girls, you know the EASY ones" and my all time favorite "you and your sister should probably not try tampons because when your aunt and I did it was terrible--our insides were pulled out when we removed them". WTF! Yep, I was scared and ashamed, good work mom. As I have mentioned in prior posts, one of the styles of my high school years was skin tight pants which do not cooperate with maxi/mini/liner pads. I saved up my lunch money (it wasn't too hard to do, I only needed $4 a week for smokes and $1 a day for a Pepsi---oh the life....) and bought my own damn box of tampons. My first purchase was Tampax Super, which my friend Lindi made a comment about but it wasn't because I was slutty and everything else would fall out it was because I bleed like Niagara falls!! I diligently read and followed the pictorial instructions included in the box. Everything went well, I was so much comfier. I feared the time to remove it, I was scared to death. How would I explain my internal female reproduction system now being external to my mother? I waited until that bad boy was so full the string was tinged. I sat on the toilet silently praying my mom wouldn't kill me if the inside out turn didn't, I pulled and it was difficult (nerve tension) but it came out and nothing else did. HOORAY!! I don't have to explain myself to my mother, she would not think I was a slut and I wouldn't bleed to death from my internals becoming external!! Life was good. I had to hide my boxes of tampons in my room and completely wrap in TP what didn't flush. I finally could come clean to my mother when I was 17 and graduating from high school. She didn't look as ashamed of me then, huh?
Last night I went to my cardio blast class again and wore the damn pad. I don't know which is worse: pissing yourself or wearing a pad when you don't need it? All of the above memories were brought to surface while I was attaching the wings around. We didn't do the jumping jacks--SON OF A BITCH!!! I swear, I can't win for nothing.

Bitches

2008-04-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

When the male turkey approaches a female or a group of females he flairs his tail feathers, which are beautiful, puffs out his chest so he appears more masculine and does a type of dance that proves to the female that he is more special than the next guy. When a human female approaches a group of human females she sucks in her gut, holds her shoulders back as far as possible so that her boobs look extra large/perky, and puts on her best fake smile to prove to the other females that she is super nice and wants to be accepted all the while she is inspecting every physical aspect of the group. It doesn't matter if you are the super skinny chick with the tight ass and perky tits or the "bigger boned" sweet spirit (who truly does think of others before herself) we all do this. We compare ourselves with all the other females we encounter and quietly inside our calculating mind we are thinking "yea if I had $50,000 burning a hole in my pocket I'd talk to your doctor and order your body too" or "who does she think she is I know that no one is that nice what the hell does she want" or "not a bad ass, I wish I had the will power for the squats it took to get that" or any of the other thoughts we play with. Why are all women bitches, why do we feel we must compare ourselves to others who share the same insecurities? I wonder these things but I, too, am guilty of thinking nasty things. I have a friend who not only thinks these things but says them out loud. I love her to death and she totally cracks me up, but what the hell. I had just purchased a new pair of jeans (I was out of town and had forgotten the flats that went with the jeans I packed. I tried to find new flats but no avail) and she was commenting on the brand they were and the price they might have been. Who the f--- cares, you could buy them too and you probably do but I don't say shit about it. I don't think she meant anything by it but we were in a crowd of people, most of whom I do not know, and I felt a tad bit insecure. I understand we all think these things, but please don't say it out loud. I am guilty of a similar situation: like you all know I go to the gym religiously. Anyway I also have to take a monthly teacher training class where I have a classmate (an elementary teacher--I have no idea of her name or school) who also goes to the gym regularly. This teacher is stick thin, maybe a size 1--just really tiny so she is able to wear those lycra tops that we see women wear on the bowflex commercial. The problem is she chooses not to wear a bra. I do understand that she has zero body fat and could easily go without one in everyday clothing but in the workout gear it is totally poke your eye out, don't get to close. I don't speak to her at the gym or at our teacher prep class but I am constantly thinking "do you really think you look hot with your RT at the gym" everywhere I see her. I am such a bitch! A nice person would tactfully speak to her about the new crayon look because maybe she is totally unaware. I don't know how to do this but it would be nice. The point of all this incoherence is that we all think evil things and maybe we could work on being nicer.

End note: if you came walking out of the restroom with your skirt tucked into your thong, I would tell you and it probably wouldn't be tactful.

I Believe I Peed My Pants

2008-04-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I spoke to a friend of mine, who coincidentally is a personal trainer at the gym, about my plateau. I think because she is my friend she wouldn't officially take me on as a client--I would have to pay an ungodly amount of money for her ideas/suggestions. She explained that I must change what I eat (namely cut out carbonation and sugar... YIKES!!) and start attending her Monday night cardio blast class which would jump start my metabolism again. Last week was my first time at the class and it kicked my butt, BUT I kept up with the girls who have been attending the class since it began. We start the class with 3 minutes of jumping jacks and it gets harder from there. I now know what Kegals are for and it has NOTHING to do with sex. Last week I experienced a little seepage (sp?) during the up and down jarring of jumping jacks, but as I saw flocks of girls excuse themselves to the restroom I realized I wasn't alone. But my seepage was in no way large enough to clean up and the time I was going to get extremely sweaty in a moment I don't think one is worse than the other. Last night I went to the class again, and again with the jumping jacks. I believe I peed my pants. I didn't know what to do!! I excused myself to the restroom along with the others and realized that this was going to be an issue, how was I suppose to cover this one??? I didn't want to miss the class nor did I want to go back in and get my water bottle and look like a pussy (like I couldn't work out anymore!!). I was so fearful of 1 people seeing that I peed my pants and 2 that I wimped out when I was so proud of myself for keeping up my first week. So I did the 'ol put TP in your underwear and hope for the best. I checked myself out in the bathroom mirror before going back to class and as my sweatshirt was tied around my waist you could not see a thing. I finished the class with everyone else and when I got home realized that my sweat had covered up the wet mark at the crotch of my pants--now they were completely soaked! I have learned a valuable lesson though--next week I will wear a pad.

Missing Thang

2008-04-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

This a total bummer of a post. It is going to be my tiny violins playing a sad tune but as I have explained before, you, dear audience, are my whipping boy therefore you get the opportunity to hear my verbal vomit. Here goes. A really good friend of mine has now returned to rehab and I am sad. Let me preface this vent with how our relationship began. As a junior in high school I found that all of my friends had chosen to experiment with heavy drugs (I plead the 5th) and sleep with Southern Utah University football players. I was not the goody two shoes type but I had seen what addiction did to people and didn't even want to experiment and far too many of my friends were blessed with babies before graduating high school. Because I didn't join I found myself sitting at home alone many a friday night and I was sick of it. My little sister (who is 19 months younger, but 2 years behind me in school) and I ran around with the same crowd but her two closest friends (S and C) were akin to us and chose not to sample college boys---they were so kind as to let me join in with them. So the weekends were us 4 girls being transported by my boyfriend (now my hubbie) to his guy friends parties. Good times! After high school I attended the fore mentioned SUU but was living at home and wanting to at least move into my own place. I had stayed friends with S and C and suggested it to them and my sister, Day. Day and S were going to hair school and weren't ready for the jump but C was. She and I moved into a 2 bedroom basement apartment together and had the best times of our lives. C ended up having a son who is 2 years older than my oldest and they are best friends. C ended up marrying a childhood friend of mine who has become a really good friend of my hubbies. C later had twin daughters who are 2 years older than my youngest yet the 3 of them love playing together--in fact I hosted a play date today. C became addicted to prescription pain medication and it almost killed her and I lost my good friend. I only talked to her when it concerned our kids or hubbies but did not spend time with her as we always had done. C hit rock bottom, tried to kill herself and was admitted to a mental hospital to later be transferred to a rehab. C came home almost 9 months ago back to her old self and I was sooooo happy. We had a girl party and caught up on old times, we spoke on the phone together, we sat and chatted about nothing and then one day I noticed that she was far more outgoing than natural. Next I noticed slurred speech and next thing I know she tells me in between uncontrollable sobs that she screwed up and was caught by her mom and hubbie--she was going to have to leave again BUT----- SHE told me this time and she told me before she left. Last time I got the news second hand after it was a done deal. I am so sad now. I have lost my friend again and no, she cannot have contact with the "outside" until she is detoxed so it will be at least a week then I have to wait for her to contact me. She has gotten stronger than the last time and the slip up statistics are totally against her but I know she can kick this shit. I hope so, I miss her.

School Girl Giddiness

2008-03-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

As I was doing the nightly trips to and from the kitchen getting everyone their bottles of water before bed, I noticed my hubbie perusing my blog. I emphasize the word notice, this I did with my eyes not ears---I thought he said I was funny???? I didn't hear the slightest chuckle. Afterward I asked what he thought and all he came up with was "the last post made me sound like an asshole and maybe the stories aren't funny to me because I know what happened before I read them". Me being the asshole was the point of the last post I pointed out (were any of you confused on that?). Why is his approval so important? Why do I care if I impress him? We've been married for almost 10 years and dated for the 5 years before that and I think I am still smitten! I do the most stupid things to get him to notice and make a comment. I want him rolling on the ground in pain from laughing so hard at the shit I write about. I bust my ass to get the house spotless in the few hours I have in between work and when he gets home so he will say things like "gee, how do you do it? You're awesome". What, am I in 5th grade? Do we never progress from the silly, flutter, do impossible shit to get attention stage that we go through when first attracted to someone? I don't know if this is a good thing because we haven't lost that show off stuff, or if it bad because we have yet to take our relationship to a higher level (or maybe this is the highest???). I am definitely not a love, relationship, or marriage counselor but I do know there is NOT a perfect relationship out there. I guess I should be happy that my relationship's (can a relationship have ownership?) biggest flaw is the lack of getting beyond the school girl shit (oh yea and we don't fight about only the problems now we drudge up 15 years worth of oppression) but that is a different story.

Dahli Lhama (sp?)

2008-03-27T14:36:00.000-07:00

I have just realized that I have become far too into myself. For years I lived for my relationship with my boyfriend, completely abandoning who I was, what I did, and who I did it with. Then that turned into living for my hubbie (same as before mentioned boyfriend) but now it was not only not having a life outside of married togetherness it also included scrubbing toilets, washing another person's dirty underwear, oh and picking them up first from wherever hubbie discarded, and cooking (this was NEW, I had NEVER cooked before and to this day I'm not very good). Along came kiddo #1 and lo and behold life change! My days revolved around what he wanted, needed, or what he didn't want or need. Again no social life outside of park, family, to and from school, and work. I lived for my son and he has turned out awesome. This continued into my life revolving around 2 sons and one day I looked at myself in the mirror, realized I had gained 30 pounds, didn't have a career (just a job), dressed like a 40 year old grandmother, took pride in having the cleanest house in the entire country, etc... I was done, what happened to ME? I worked my ass off, literally. Dropped about 35 lbs, trashed my clothes and started spending money on myself--not Jesse, not the boys, ME. My house has gone to hell, my boys are still spoiled and I do all the "what makes you a better hands on parent" shit, but I think I have, again, went too far on the spectrum. My life now revolves around the gym, shopping for shoes and clothes, going on vacations (with and without my boys), constant change in hair color, cut, style--I need a fresh start to find a happy medium and I think the answer lies with the Dahli Lhama. Didn't John Lennon regroup with those guys? He came back with all the answers he needed--like what parties should he go to, where should the band play next, should the band get back together (all the important famous rockstar dilemmas). No I'm serious. I know you guys think I am the biggest bitcher but I save it all for you. I am sickening peppy at school, super mom with my boys, and a so-so wife someone has to take the brunt of it all. Help me, how do you find a happy medium between being you and being this role of mom/wife/housekeeper/super teacher/tutor/farm hand/pornstar (nah, I'm just kidding with that one :) ) Downer post I know but I had to vent!

Easter

2008-03-24T16:35:00.001-07:00

I have a couple of topics rolling around inside of my head today, both have to do with Easter but are pretty much unrelated. Why do we spend countless hours and take many a opportunity to teach our children not to lie (and by god do not go around talking about imaginary thoughts as if they were reality) while at the same time we pound it into their malleable minds that there is a ginormous rabbit who visits annually to drop off TOO much candy and "prizes" they do not need? My youngest is TERRIFIED of the Easter bunny, just the mention of him gets the child rambling about how he won't come into our house he will just leave the basket (or the sand pail as in the case of my children for the past 3 years) outside. Tel is completely afraid of this huge bunny (he has seen the "real" Easter bunny at the annual main street park Easter egg hunt they have in our "city"); but what is not to fear. We have had rabbits on our pseudo farm before and the kids have held them, fed them, and accidentally released them from their bunny prison to enter bunny hell which consists of running their asses off trying to get away from the common stray dog; but at no time did we have a pet rabbit the size of their father. We have had animals grow to uncommon sizes, but come on! I assured Tel that the Easter bunny would only leave his basket and not bother him at all--" there is no reason to worry, you've seen Quin (our border collie) chase the rabbits in the hills" (this did bring about deep gut killing laughs out of the child and all was well). This leads to my second topic of the evening: what the bunny brought. I am sick of my children accumulating SHIT! The stocking shit, the McDonald's shit, the birthday goodie bag shit, the "grandma gave me a surprise" shit--ALL the shit. So this Easter I was determined to stock the basket, aka pail and shovel, with something they would use rather than stuff in a toy bin to be forever forgotten. Both boys received Discmans (I know, outdated with MP3's and all but come on: 8 years old and 3 years old) and a CD. Great idea especially because we went camping 3 hours away and the ride home after devouring half of the chocolate contents in said pail would've been more than mommy could handle. My eldest got a CD with various 1970's famous guitar rock songs on it, ever since the "Guitar Hero" addiction he has been a huge fan of "oldies" (as he says, I am not quite old enough to categorize them as such), Tel got a 2 disk compilation of Easter/Kids songs. Tel put on his headphones and we didn't hear a word from him until we got home and since we've been home if the headphones are on he only communicates to us if we are bothering him. Discman=great idea for baskets!!

Quit Your Damn Whining...

2008-03-17T17:03:00.001-07:00

That is exactly the response I would get from my mother, whom I so dearly love, whenever I was saddened by anything, worrying about anything, just any negative vent I had on my mind.
I know second blog today. You're probably thinking WTF doesn't this chick have any responsibilities--but that is just it. I have had a lot of time to think today, my youngest had an abnormally long nap. I had the hardest time being my normally peppy self at work today. Remember, I am a social studies teacher at an alternative high school. I usually really enjoy being at work, take pride in what I teach, and try to project my love of learning to my students but today I couldn't muster up a real smile-- yet I put on a pretty good fakie. Today was the first day of the 4th, and last, quarter. Friday afternoon I was pumped for today: fresh start, last stretch we were going to do great things; today NOTHING. I went back to school, earned a 2nd BS and accumulated more student loans, because I wanted to teach. It was the ONLY thing I wanted to do and yet today I am asking myself "what the hell am I doing". I have no great ideas for my new unit in geography and I'm getting a new student in there at the same time. My psychology enthusiasm has vanished and my strongest most unquestionable love of US government has gone by the wayside---I couldn't even remember who wrote the friggin Bill of Rights. I didn't want to be there, I don't want to be there tomorrow, what has happened to me. I am saddened and disappointed in myself: the self-proclaimed peppy instructor and striver of teacher of the year. Help me, don't give me smarmy shit, I don't need my ego boosted, I need answers: why is this happening and how the hell can it leave/change?? So instead of spending excessive time online creating new activities for class I have blogged twice, written to and replied to every friend I have via email--I will now indulge myself in some Myspace catch up (yes, I am still falling victim to its lure). At this time I will pretend I have bawled my eyes out and vented to my mother all of the thoughts I have posted and think to myself how she would and has always replied "oh, quit your damn whining nobody has it easy"

Clothes from high school????

2008-03-17T14:03:00.001-07:00

So maybe I'm stealing a bit of my piece from a friend of mine, but I am expanding. Should I attach a cite reference page??? I don't think she'll care.
Who the hell can wear clothes from high school? I could until I got married, 10 freakin years ago!! I was reading a blog and the comments people were adding, both were about items of clothing that a person has owned the longest and low and behold there was an individual who not only stated she has children but that she owns and occasionally wears clothing from high school. You all know my internal battle with weight (actually food) management and my addiction to the gym and NONE of my goals include wearing the size from high school. Bearing children, alone, makes it physically impossible to squeeze into that size. And before I go on I should mention that while in high school the fad was to wear "too tight" pants which, at the time, I had to lay on the floor (first thing in the morning--NO BREAKFAST ALLOWED, may cause bloating) and have my sister work the zipper up while I tried to work the pants together. It was accomplished day after day and DAMN I looked good. But this is nowhere ever going to happen again (the same size thing, not the squeeze into too small pants--come on don't lie to yourselves). If you have never been pregnant or given birth you still have to come to the realization that maturity did occur. A mature female is blessed with wider hips and the lovely cellulite deposits that were necessary for survival eons ago. When will we evolve to the point where our fat deposits match our technological advances of central heating!! Ok, it has now become apparent that it boils down to jealousy not really astonishment. Why can one girl still wear clothes from high school when others, myself, are just trying to get back to the ballooning size (or so I thought it was at the time, but would kill for now) brought about by the first prescription of birth control?

Bras

2008-02-27T17:48:00.000-08:00

Due to my influx of bacne in the last couple of months I have tried to remove my sweaty gym clothes ASAP. Today was not an exception, however my husband being home at the time was. I changed into a loose t-shirt choosing not to put a bra back on because of the locking in the sweat shit I was trying to rid myself of in the first place. After making myself a snack and sitting down at the table to eat it my husband gives me a puzzled look and says "are you going commando"? For those of you (I hope not many) who don't know what this originally was: it is when someone is going without underwear (normally a guy, normally bottoms). WTH? Am I appalling, is he becoming old and prudish, or was it too much to handle LOL! Who knows, I was starving. I shrugged at him and said "yea, so what". That was it. Where is it written that anyone has to where a bra anywhere? They are NOT comfortable and the sexier they are the more uncomfortable the bra becomes. I would choose to not wear bras and instead apply those little stripper stars to prevent the new crayon syndrome that we get to sport whenever we get goose bumps. Why didn't anyone invent some insane little device, that includes wire nonetheless, to help boys when they go through puberty. What is the difference between sagging tits and a hard on? They are equally embarrassing and, depending on the person, can make for a very awkward situation. I think I will look into the invention of bras, I'm sure it was a man who came up with the marvelous idea and it was probably the same man who said "boys, if you feel one coming on and you need to stand in front of others, just untuck your shirt". A baggy untucked shirt would've been fine for us women too, asshole.

The Gym, again. Surprised?

2008-02-26T18:22:00.000-08:00

Today I was late getting to the gym. I had students who made up tests during lunch then had to go to the store--we were out of the essentials. Anyhoo... (FYI I really hate it when people say that) I was only able to do 45 minutes of cardio today (treadmill @ full incline--HOLY SHIT & bike) no weights; sorry to miss dealing with you today meatheads. As I was sweating my ass off (that is the goal right: ass=off) I watched "others" come in and do their thing. HELLO, two pregnant girls came in (one is maybe 3 months and the other ready to POP) they did a harder workout than I do!! My pregnancies were not so, um should we say "pretty". As I have stated in the past I gained close to 80 pounds each time and my boys only weighed 7 lb 4 oz and 7 lb 11 oz. I am in bed hooked up to IVs to rehydrate because of my hyperemesis (means major puker, I'm allergic to estrogen which was very strange to hear) after the doctors get me on meds that control the puking I am still worthless. I have zero energy, my sciatic nerve is pinched for about 6 of the 9 months so I walk weird, my hands go numb from carpal tunnel syndrome from unknown pregnancy related reasons, and I eat like there is no tomorrow because of the lack of food until I get the right meds. How the hell do these girls look so good? From behind you would never know they had a bun in the oven--I was as wide as a brahma bull (I believe that is what Jesse called me not realizing I would break down in tears and not appreciate the joke...he didn't say anything like it again). Isn't pregnancy suppose to be the time when it is ok to get fat and be lazy why would anyone put themselves through the tortuous gym if society didn't influence them? Why would you want to put on "work out" clothes made of some synthetic tight ass material and strut your stuff? I guess if you have it flaunt it, I on the other hand had WAY too much to flaunt. Oh and I didn't want every man at the gym becoming abstinent due to the visual of what can happen after the horizontal mambo session. I haven't decided if those girls have either way high self esteem (they don't give a shit what they look like-they do look good- or who cares) or way too low (way afraid of what not losing the baby weight will look like).
It really isn't any of my business, but what else do I have to think about while I'm sweating my ass off? You'd do it too.

Proactiv

2008-02-20T12:46:00.000-08:00

Hormones are so strange. In high school I was only plagued with one or two zits once a month. They would usually pop up in places that could be concealed easily: along the hair line, on my forehead (come on, it was the 90's everyone had bangs), or in the crease along my nose (cover girl cover up). I didn' t use expensive face care lines, I wore cheap makeup that I usually wore to bed, and I washed my face with the same soap as I used on my body. Since I have become an adult I have been plagued with ACNE!! WTF!! Puberty has come and gone--why now? Now that I'm 30 I have to not only fight zits but cover, treat, and prevent wrinkles. That is always fun: how do you judge the moisturizer because I'm damned if I use it and damned if I don't. I have been a compulsive user of quite a few EXPENSIVE skin care lines and they either made my breakout way worse or didn't do a damn thing.
We have all had the opportunity of suffering from insomnia at some point in our lives and if you're like me I am always drawn to the late night infomercials. I was especially drawn to the Proactiv one, as drawn as a moth in July is drawn to my bathroom light fixture. How could I not be intriged? There was Vanessa Williams (post Miss America and grammy award winning singer) and Jessica Simpson (short on the brain cells, blessed with the rack) telling me about how they, too, have adult acne and used this shit and look how flawless their faces are now: no zits, no scars. BEFORE YOU START: I am not an idiot, this is TV and anyone can be airbrushed or made up so thick you can't see a thing. But it was 3 o'clock in the friggin morning and I was hooked. I ordered the shit the next day and it seems to work. Normally when I'm on my period I look like an extra large deep dish but I'm only sporting 2 major zits--that is a huge accomplishment. Unfortunately I'm not getting a cut of the profits for Proactiv; it works for me.

Bordering Compulsion

2008-02-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

I am afraid that I have shifted my compulsion. As I have said, or eluded to, in the past: I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and up until this very second of realization my compulsions were mainly cleanliness. Don't get me wrong, I cleaned my house yesterday and it gave me a euphoric feeling but in the past I would clean EVERY part of my house and wouldn't/couldn't stop until it was done. I did not mop the kitchen, bathroom, or laundry room, I did not dust any of the bedrooms, and I let the windows continue to sport little paddy marks.
My new obsession is the gym: I go 5 times a week and I never work out for less than 1 hour (various combinations of free weights, weight machines, & cardio machines) I should be losing weight right? I'm gaining weight and my clothes still fit the same--WTF. What I'm about to say is not politically correct in this messed up advanced western world we live in: I am happy with my body, it really isn't bad for having 2 kids and a blossoming figure due to my arch enemy, birth control. In the last 2 1/2 years I have returned to a size 7/8 (haven't seen this since pre-marriage, obligatory gyno visit and the damn prescription) and have not as many stretch marks as I should considering I weighed in at 198 lbs with my first kid and 211 with my second (I am really sick throughout the pregnancies and when they finally find meds that will help I make up for lost time: another story). I want to have a flat stomach (I have never had one, even when I was like a 3 in high school), I want my arms to not jiggle, and above all else I would like to be healthy and why not I'll probably contract skin cancer and I'll need to be in tip top shape for the treatments, right?
Sorry about the tangent: I'm gaining weight and no, it's not because I'm turning fat into muscle and muscle weighs more (don't give me the bullshit my mother gave me), my clothes would fit different if this was the case. My gym nazi husband (refer to past posts for description of nickname) pointed out that my habit of eating chocolate cake like it was my last day on earth was probably not helping. I decided to keep a food journal to see what kind of caloric intake I had, oh and to guilt myself out of pig outs when alone. An article in Glamour magazine talked about how this is key to weight loss and gave a couple of websites (nutritiondata.com & calorieking.com) to check the calories of everything under the sun. According to the site I am to eat 2233 calories to maintain my weight & about 1733 calories to lose weight in a healthy way. I don't even want to know what I was taking in before I started writing this shit down, but when the information is staring at me from a notebook on the counter, I feel guilty and ashamed. I have been eating about 2020 calories a day since I began my journal, I am hungry all the time but it is eye opening to all the junk I ate/wish to eat now. FYI, one normal size of chocolate cake (like Betty Crocker out of the box) is 2000 calories. Next time I sit down to indulge in self loathe and a pan of chocolate cake, I need to remember that I cannot eat anything else ALL DAY long. WHATEVER!! I will continue with my obsessive working out and writing down of calories. I will look forward to the day I can wear a two piece and not have a muffin top. And there will be a new compulsion somewhere down the line; however my cleanliness one lasted about 12-14 years (yes, I've seen a shrink. He saved my marriage-my OCD was much worse than what it is now)

Where are you springtime, how can I find you...

2008-02-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

I promise I am not a pessimist, I am rather optimistic. Unfortunately I am using my blog as a forum for bitching and you are the whipping boy, you lucky dog.
Isn't snow so beautiful: how it falls like glitter from the deep black sky and piles up like whipped cream atop a mug of hot cocoa making the Christmas season feel so legitimate. Christmas is over, I want it gone! According to the news reports we have met our requirement of snow pack for adequate water during the summer (I say to hell with the "make up" for drought). Why must it continue to fall and why must people get excited about it: its cold, wet, and a bitch to shovel, scrape, etc. My fluid squirter thing on my windshield has been frozen for 2 weeks, my car is rotting under the thick layer of salt flipped from the roads, my floors haven't been mopped, with soap, in months--why bother someone will track in snow and there goes my work. I have gone so far as to shove my head into a rather large bag of Miracle-Gro potting soil to reminise the good times, you know when the sun shone and things grew? I guess I have become a soil huffing addict, the high I receive is a little different but it is still euphoric. I guess I will continue to sing my springtime melody, a made up version of "Where are you Christmas", invest in a tanning bed pass, huff soil, and crank my heater to 80+ until, what maybe, March. Oh please God let it get warm in March....

Borrowing Trouble

2008-01-31T15:52:00.000-08:00

Why is it when everything is going well I question it?
My classes are going wonderfully, I have students who are quicker to grasp info than I have had in the past and yet I wonder "are they really getting it" "am I really qualified to instruct about this stuff" and other ridiculous questions. Dax is doing exceptionally well in school (second grade). I don't know if I mentioned it but we received his semester report card and the child is on a 6th grade reading level (2 grades of improvement in half of a school year) and can read/comprehend 155 words per minute -- I don't believe I can do that an a little comment stating that he is above level in all subject areas (I wasn't aware this was possible, I thought kids have a strength somewhere, not everywhere). Yet I wonder/worry about his next school year. I have been lucky to get wonderful teachers for him thus far who believe me when I say he is gifted. I fear the teacher who gives me the "oh sure, every parent thinks that" nod. What do I do when the teacher isn't ambitious enough to challenge him or stuck in their ways to adjust to his learning level? Why does next year or any following year matter right now? As my mother says "don't borrow trouble", I always do. Then there is Tel: he begs me not to go to work every morning over breakfast. He is my early riser so we share table talk daily around 6 am. It kills me, but I have to and to be honest I would go INSANE staying home day after day--summer vacation is bad enough. KUDOS to the stay at home parents, I can't do it: I can't keep my sanity and I don't think I could guarantee safety for my children after the first 4 months. So all day I fret about my little man who wants mom to stay home instead of him going to his grandmother's (my mom in law) and playing with his cousins. When it is time to pick him up he wants nothing to do with me and asks, practically daily, if he can just sleep there. Now I stress about how I am chop liver in comparison to grandma--I gave birth to him shouldn't that count for anything, especially favoritism? Next is my house, remember I explained my OCD, I am totally freaking out because I need new doors on the boys' bedrooms and the laundry room but I cannot do it myself and hubbie is a procrastinator (polar opposite of me but he makes up for this short coming in other ways ;) ). I need to paint my entryway, hall, and bedroom but cannot decide on a color--HUGE commitment fears--and I hate painting (very difficult to have a perfect outcome with it and it stresses me more). Yes, it sounds as if I NEED these things for my house, yet if you came by you wouldn't even notice. Maybe it is a psychological disorder, the borrowing of trouble or worrying about things that really don't exist (not yet anyway). I know it is a problem but I continue to dwell and lists I do make to check off when I "solve" the problem. Maybe it isn't a bad thing--it is what makes me.

Introduction to death

2008-01-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

When I became a parent no one gave me an instruction manual on how to be one. If I were to write one I think one of the chapters, titled something catchy like "Death", would instruct us on how to help your child deal with it. My oldest son, 8 years old, has lost loved ones, and pets, and attended their funerals. He has proven to have a very eerie sense of dealing with death, however today he is falling apart. We are the proud owners of chickens--you know to teach children responsibility and knowing that our eggs are hormone free, etc. etc. One of them was a banty hen (a small breed) she was named Henrietta, after the chicken on Return to Oz. Dax named her, trained her to come to her name, and spoiled her so badly that she would not eat with the other chickens, she needed her own pile of scratch. We had a terrible storm last night and temperatures dipped lower than they have been for some time. This in addition to Henrietta being over 3 years old which exceeds chickens life spans (or so I've been told)--I found Henrietta in full rigor this afternoon and had to let Dax know before he went out calling for the filthy little bird. HE'S A MESS!! We had to put a dog down last summer, we lost uncles and grandfathers in the past year but the child is having an emotional breakdown over a bird who didn't even lay eggs large enough to eat. As I type, he is talking about how she was picked on by the other chickens and how she didn't have a fair life. How do I deal with this? I'm not cold-hearted but my god, it was a chicken. It lived at the back of our lot in a shed. I hate to see my child in so much pain but I'm grasping at straws with this one. Hopefully CAL Ranch or IFA will have banty chicks this spring, buying new has always cheered me up :)

The Mentality of a High School Girl

2008-01-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

We have all, at one time or another, said "Thank God I'm not in High School anymore, I couldn't deal with the drama..." or something to that effect. I am now second guessing that statement and how I feel about not having the mentality of a high school girl anymore.
In high school our goal was to accumulate as many friends as possible (because that mattered) now I haven't the time, or rather I don't make the time, to even call one let alone spend an entire afternoon doing nothing with one. In high school if you didn't go out on Friday night, even if it was to "drag main" you were a LOSER come Monday morning; now I can't wait to get off work on Friday and get into my jammies to do nothing and maybe get to sleep by 8 if I'm lucky! In high school you fought over time on the phone and raced to answer it in hopes it was for you. I sigh and pray someone will get it before me now and thank god whomever was on the other end didn't ask for me. In high school we would dwell on every little thing that happened, good or bad. If it was "good" we were appreciative of it and never forgot, if it were bad, by god we would change it immediately so we didn't look like an ass ever again. Today we don't dwell on the good, it tends to be fleeting thoughts and the bad is "just another day" or "my luck". We have forgotten to live in the moment, at least I have. Sadly, I recognize it and am not going to do a damn thing to change it.
Maybe the mentality of a high school girl isn't soooooooo bad--but yeah, I'm glad the drama is gone.

Meat Heads

2008-01-23T15:34:00.001-08:00

Before I begin my rant about what I term "meat heads" I would like to focus on the new info I received when logging on: I can now blog in Hebrew and Arabic (and another language). This would be lovely if I could speak, write, read, understand any but I have to stick to simple boring English. I wanted to learn Spanish at one time--I'm not good at learning new things, but I know what a mesa, sia (?), and a ton a great swear words are.
I have been faithfully going to a gym for about 9 months (my membership will have it's 2 year anniversary in 6 months, I'm a slow starter). I feel better, in general, due to my gym going and the severe pain that I have inflicted upon myself (mainly due to my hubbie I like to refer to as the gym nazi because of such inspiring words like "unless you increase the weight you're wasting your time" & "your ass isn't going to be tighter just because you've been going for a week") isn't as bad as it used to be: 4 Ibuprofen, vs the Lorcet, will take care of the pain now. Anyway, enough about me, the meat heads. According to the Darcie dictionary of slang, a meat head is a male gym addict who has obviously enjoyed too many doses of testosterone or steroid injections, they love to watch themselves lift weight and think that, by right of all the time they spend there, every part of the free weight area is theirs at their beckoning.
I'm not gym savvy like some, I only do what I've been shown or what I copy from my inconspicuous spying from the stairmaster. I lift free weights twice a week (trying to get rid of the part of arm that keeps waving when I quit) and I haven't exceeded 12 lb dumbbells and 20 lb barbells so you know I shouldn't be competition to the meat heads. I have to pleasantly ask if they are going to use the 20 lb barbell because they have congregated around the rack and yes, one of them actually made some smart ass remark about him looking as if he used that amount (I wish I had the balls to say "I don't know, maybe before your arms took precedence over your ball size you did"; but no I've heard too much about 'roid rage and chose not to).
Everyone, well except the girls who wear next to nothing and do next to nothing, is at the gym to better themselves (second thought, maybe those girls are bettering themselves, more specifically, their sex life) why don't the meatheads go in at the ass crack of dawn and do their vain lifting when the rest of the world isn't there to give a shit.
I'll continue going, they'll continue to piss me off, and maybe I'll piss them off too (hopefully I don't reap the rewards of roid rage). It's kind of like the circle of life, just not Lion King style.

Potty Training

2008-01-20T09:07:00.000-08:00

I am dealing with potty training my second, and youngest, child. He will be 3 in two months--HELLO!! 2 1/2 weeks in and the whole number 1 thing is going great; except when we are outside playing which was the case yesterday. The first time he just couldn't give up whatever fantasy adventure he was playing to go inside and relieve himself. I explained that due to the fact we live on a whole acre in a tiny town it would be okay if he dropped his drawers and watered a tree. COOL! Unfortunately I forgot to let him know that just because he wasn't going to aim at the square of TP floating in the porcelain bowl he still had to aim the tally wacker. Yep, filled his drawers and was repulsed. WTF--mom, I dropped my drawers just like you said and I STILL got wet (I forget how important direct, complete instructions are).
This morning he let me know that he needed to do number 2, so we put the mini seat on the big seat, propped him with his stool and let him do his business. A couple of minutes later out he comes and lets me know that nope couldn't do it. Whatever, go play. 20 minutes later up the hall he comes letting me know he needs to be changed (I guess forgetting we ditched the diapers and changing TransFormer undies just isn't as easy). Full load. It took everything I had not to lose my breakfast--I gagged the entire clean up time.
Oh well, I will continue on with my drill master like potty training techniques and by the way: I say BS to the books that say "don't attempt until the child is ready to ditch the diapers" I don't have the stomach for a 15 year old's turd.

My Space

2008-01-04T18:31:00.000-08:00

So I think I've become obsessed with MySpace--yea it's ridiculous I'm 30 years old for god's sake!! I created a profile so that I could look at another page that I was told about from then on it was bad. I have found a few long lost friends, looked at some pages of friends that I wish they never created, and morned for my students for the day they realize they ruined their lives by the shit they posted. I now have a kick ass page but it lacks a current (&cute) photo of myself--my kids and hubbie look GREAT!!
Why couldn't they have had this little addiction when I was young enough for it to be ok? How do I kick the habit--I am constantly thinking of new people I "need" to search for.
Well until I am either humiliated for using it or 86ed from the program I think I will continue to peruse--yea the rest of you are closet myspacers too :)

You've been Punk'd

2008-01-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you are familiar with the MTV show "Punk'd", it may not be on anymore. It was a Candid Camera knock off hosted by Demi Moore's boy toy Ashton Kutchner. Anyway enough of the background info: I believe this is really what is happening to me. My sons, Dax (8) & Tel (2) are constantly doing random, weird things that I don't believe any other person on the planet does--and this is normal to them.
First thing this morning I was reading the newspaper, online, when Tel walks in with a fisher price guitar (about 10 inches long) and asks if I want him to sing to me. (Picture a short blond Don Ho with the ukulele) I didn't have time to answer when he began strumming the guitar and singing "My name is Tel, let's go mom! dun, dun, dun dun dun... I am Iron Man, dun nu nun nun nu nu nun... Whooo Hooooo! (insert leg kick)" Are any of you familiar with Black Sabbath? I don't think my two year old should/would be. I am now waiting for Ashton to come into my house and tell me that I have been punk'd and cart the little actors away.
Dax is also famous for his punk'd moments. I have far too many pictures of Dax as an infant, one for every new outfit! I didn't pose him just snapped--we are ever so lucky to have a 2 month pic of Dax laying on a couch and shit you not he is flipping the bird. YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D! Another "are you kidding me moment" was when Dax had just celebrated his 8th birthday and had received a lot of money for presents--he was $20 short of $100. I asked my hubbie if he had any cash so he preceded to open his wallet to give me some. (As a preface: I want to let you know that Dax is a very polite and grateful child. He doesn't take his life, family, or possessions for granted--I really couldn't ask for a nicer kid.) Dax watched the whole thing and as Jesse pilfered through the bills Dax asked politely "hey Dad will you just give me a 20?" We were flabbergasted!! WTF: "just a 20", we just laughed thinking he was being a smart ass. Dax became stern and said in his most serious tone "all I want is a 20, just give me one". You've been Punk'd.

Introduction of Self

2008-01-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

The title is so formal which is a great one-liner to introduce myself. I have been reading, and commenting, to blogs for a while and finally realized I must create my own. I love to read about other's lives maybe someone will find mine amusing--if not screw you anyway. No, really this is a great way for me to vent without pissing anyone off.
I am a neat freak. I don't mean I like a straightened house, time managed, and plans made in advance. I mean I get this weird itching on my scalp when my house is cluttered, people arrive unannounced, my plans were jacked because of some fly by the seat of their pants asshole, or I just wake up a little late. Serious, my sister is a hairdresser (best hairdresser there is and I'm not saying that because she's my sis--she is awesome and she'll do what's best for your looks) and I asked her to check my scalp, maybe do a treatment due to buildup or, god forbid, check for lice cuz something was not right. She did the works and guess what: NERVES. I pride myself as being the only person in my entire extended family who isn't on mood stablizers, anti depressants, or anti anxiety meds but I would qualify if I opened up to a doctor. Which leads me to my other "neat" issues: my life. I like it to look as if it is a fairy tale to everyone from the stranger I passed on our last family va-cay to my own mother. What the hell??? I recognize the problem however I cannot graduate to the next of the 12 steps.
I am happily married (after two bouts of marriage counseling) to my high school sweetheart (aaaaahhhh, how sweet. Shut up). We have two wonderful boys. My oldest just turned 8 and is in the 2nd grade. He reads on a lower 5th grade level and he will surpass our intelligence by the time he is 12 but by god he will be able to afford a great nursing home for us. No really, he is brilliant. The child walked at 8 months and was speaking in full sentences by the time he turned 1. He is amazing. My youngest is 2, almost 3. He, too, is very smart. However he has devoted his intelligence to sarcasim. I have never seen another toddler who knows when to roll their eyes or give the "sure...." nod in the appropriate context.
I live on a mini-farm but you would never believe it due to my knock off hand bags and smart heels. I love both ends of the spectrum and no one is going to tell me what to be.
I hope this turns out to be great--I am excited but nervous: correct grammar, opening up to people, etc. Perfection is always my goal and yes, I know, it is not obtainable (is that a word?)